I can do my BlogHer 2012 recap in two different ways – I can go into details on the people I met, the food I ate, the things I learned, the places I went, the unicorns I danced with and the shoes that I wore OR I can write a just write post in 12 minutes and just try to do the last three days of my life justice without boring the crap out of you people while I talk about vibrators and unicorns.
Well I’m not sure where I was and what I did exactly but I know I talked to a lot of people and shouted over very loud music because my throat hurts and I truly don’t recall smoking a pack of Marlboro Reds so we are just going to go with ‘lots of talking’ and ‘loud music shouting’ stuff that happened.
The reason I don’t have any recollection of the weekend is because I took only two pictures. And I briefly remember sprinting for my lunch one day like a bad episode of Supermarket Sweeps. You know because we were having chicken wraps or something. Thinking back though maybe it wasn’t for the chicken wraps – maybe it was because Katie Couric was speaking at lunch. I do love Katie(and chicken wraps) but I’m still kind of mad at her for leaving Matt and all. I mean there he was on bended knee with the final rose and she dumped him. Oh wait…wrong show.
I found this one picture of my feet and my new ‘Pebbles’ shoes from 6PM – I’m in the hotel room alone eating about two pounds of chocolate as I never had lunch or dinner that day. It was my understanding that lunch was like seafood hoagies or something so I passed.
And the only other picture I took was this one of Heather’s coffee stained breasts and bad-ass tattoos(that aren’t really real unless you believe in unicorns) and I’m not sure why I took a picture of her breasts but I asked if I could take her picture and she told me that her face was too tired for pictures at the time.
So basically at BlogHer I wore cool shoes, ate chocolate and liked Heather’s breasts. Totally worth the trip to New York City, right?
I also feel like a had a dream about running through Central Park every morning and this strange high-kick work-out with The Rockettes at Radio City but I have no photographic evidence of those activities. We’ll just blame those on the rainbows because the unicorns were already taken.
And this one night I walked in my four inch heels from 35th and 9th to 54th and 6th and it made me never want to leave NYC because it’s amazing even with bloody feet. It’s also one of the tests you have to take to prove you can indeed make it in NYC. I love the energy of the city and the fashion and sometimes even the smell. So I was just pulling my phone out to tell Jed to pack-up the kids as we were moving to NEW YORK CITY – but I had one glass on wine in me and whenever I drink my inner southern inbred Hoosier(hello, I am one) comes out and I say New York City like the guy on the Pace Picante Sauce commercial, which makes me for sure fail one of the tests to actually become a native New Yorker – but when I pulled out my phone Jed had just texted me this…
Which basically said that I could stay in St. Paul but he was stealing my kids and moving them out into the country with horses. Which at this point didn’t seem all that bad with my bloody feet and Pace Picante accent but then I remembered that was Michele Bachmann’s district and I didn’t think I could be nice to those people and where could I put my marriage equality lawn signs?
So I did what any single girl mourning over the loss of her family to the Republican countryside would do – I went back in my room and snuggled in bed with my roommates(Jennifer, Erin and Elaine) and as we went through our weekend swag we realized that all we had were vibrators, stuffed animals and chocolate. Which means that BlogHer is truly just like the show Survivor – I mean if you were going to be deserted on an island and could only take three things – wouldn’t you take a vibrator, a stuffed animal and some chocolate?
So evidently my weekend was highly successful and thankfully not well documented.
Oh, also I guess there was blogging stuff going on. Again, this might be a rumor as I have no photographic evidence. But I do vaguely remember unicorns.