Dear Parents who evidently still wipe their 12 year old’s asses,
If you feel, AS A PARENT AND ADULT, that you cannot follow these rules then we kindly ask you to either withdraw your child from the hunt or perhaps find your child a more suitable parent who will LET THE CHILD HUNT FOR THEIR OWN EGGS. We will be glad to find a suitable parental replacement for your child.
The new Egg Hunt rules starting with the 2012 official hunt are:
1. THE HUNT IS FOR CHILDREN ONLY – only human beings under the age of 10 will be allowed to take part of hunting for plastic eggs filled with candy – BECAUSE THEY ARE CHILDREN and this is fun for them.
2. There will be taped off areas to divide age groups appropriately – ages 2-3, 4-5, 6-7, and 8-10. THERE WILL NOT BE AN ADULT AGE GROUP AND NO, YOU DO NOT LOOK 10 BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A BEARD.
3. Parents are not allowed in the hunt area. If you are found in the grassy area you will be removed from the hunt and a suitable parental replacement will immediately be found for your child. If you are well-behaved your child will be returned to you by Halloween. BUT YOU STILL DO NOT GET THEIR CANDY.
4. Parents are not allowed to touch the eggs until your child has finished the hunt and has approached you off of the grassy area. If you are found at anytime picking up an egg off the ground to give to your child you must then go pick up an egg for ALL other children in your child’s age group and give those children eggs too. (A suitable parental replacement will also be found.)
5. If you child(Susie) does not get as many eggs as another child (Mary) you will say “Great job, Susie! You got a fabulous blue egg and HAD SO MUCH FUN!” …and then maybe even turn to Mary and ask if she had a good time also. Egg Hunting is not a competitive sport nor is it a paid activity and guess what – OUR EGG HUNT FOR YOU IS ACTUALLY FREE.
6. If the parent cannot stay off the egg hunt grassy area then MAYBE DON’T COME TO OUR EGG HUNT. Have your own egg hunt in your backyard so your child can get ALL OF THE EGGS and be QUEEN OF ALL EGG HUNTS and you can hoist her over your shoulders and proclaim that she conquered the damn Easter Bunny and take cute pictures of her to post of Facebook and tell all of your friends how flipping awesome your egg hunter is because THAT is the Easter spirit.
Then just go ahead and wipe her butt and do her homework and clear her plate from the table and make her bed and go on her first date with her and maybe share a room at college and don’t forget to put that “take your parent to work day” on your calendar for 2032. I know I’m pretty excited about it, but I know that you might be busy catching the baby coming out of your daughter’s vagina as you push her husband out of the way because YOU ARE THE PARENT AND NO WAY CAN SHE DO THIS ON HER OWN.
Thank you for your time,
The Easter Bunny