I am not crafty.
I can sew. I can bake. But pretty much my motto is… “if it’s available for sale – hey, let’s buy it and support the economy and use our time more wisely on things like twitter, facebook and blogging!”
For example – Play-doh, crayons, finger paint, anything with glitter, snow globes – they all come prepackaged for moms like me. In fact I have to drive out to the suburbs to buy the crap I need to make the crap that then drives me nuts when my kids play with it.
Also I tend to get the shakes when I enter Michael’s.
But I received this damn email from Martha Stewart. Seriously, she emails me daily with crap I can make and I look at her pictures and get more upset because her staging of the pictures is so nice. I mean – if you are seriously making this crap for a four year old to play with – it’s going to be on your messy kitchen table with peanut butter finger prints all over it – not set on linen with a fresh wreath in the background. I call bullshit.
And I try to unsubscribe to her daily emails but they keep coming and I keep opening them just to feel my failure that day as I’m not an “organic craft mom” and I give her the finger on my iPhone as I roll into my urban Target and buy – get this CRAYONS, play-doh, PAINT, and snow globes. Oh and pre-made wreaths dammit.
Anyway, the girls wanted to do a Christmas craft – because evidently they also get Martha in their in-boxes so I said fine..let’s do snow globes. Those look easy. I have jars – because I used to can in like the 70′s.
Here are Martha Stewart’s Snow Globes.
Here are ours.
Take a moment.
So here’s the issue – I am NOT going to travel 500 miles to 500 stores to try to find these damn “essential materials” to make this happen. “Hey let’s spend the next seven days to prepare for a craft that lasts…oh…about five minutes with kids with the attention spans of gnats.” FUN!
Martha’s Material List to Make a Snow Globe:
What I could come up with by not leaving a five mile radius of my house and in -between school drop-off, music class, lunch, nap, dinner making, laundry and vacuuming and other general motherhood and housewifely duties that do not include crafting.
Materials needed to make a snow globe
Vintage figuringes $1.99 ornaments from CVS because yeah, no time to go thrifting and “vintaging” and “oh my hell”
Epoxy – no clue what this is. I have a glue gun and assumed all I ever will need is a glue gun.
Distilled water – CHECK – readily available at CVS!
Gylcerin – Yeah nobody carries this nor knows what it is. Please don’t make me ask anyone else. I bought baby oil.
Large glitter – THERE ARE SIZES. Sorry, CVS only had traditional small and annoying, will coat everything glitter.
Various sizes of jars. – Bite me – my jelly used to come in one size. Oh here let me save every jar we’ve ever used this year and clean it out and store it just in case we do a craft – NOT
General Snow Globe Making Instructions
-clean jars
-epoxy “vintage figurines” to inside of lid
-fill jars almost full with distilled water and then a pinch of glitter and a dash of glycerin
-screw on lid and turn upside down
-admire the Winter Wonderland you created OR if you are my children watch your cheap CVS ornaments that are now coated with glitter, float up to the top
Okay – So they sucked and my kids just shook their heads at another one of their mother’s epic craft fails – so here’s what you need to know….
1. Buy the damn snow globes readily made..well because they are readily made!
…but if you must actually do this damn craft…
2. You need the glycerin. Baby oil does not work – it just makes the glitter glob to itself and glob onto the “vintage figurines”
3. Your “vintage figurines” need to be higher than the lid. BIG mistake here. oy.
4. Epoxy must be key because within seconds of submersion our “vintage figurines” were glitter-crusted floaties.
5. I’m also assuming that big glitter means snowflakes you can see, because regular glitter does not show up on the water – well it might but all of ours was stuck on the floating figurines.
Now would someone just go buy my kids a damn snow globe and tell Martha to stop emailing me.
What is your biggest craft fail?
Is it sad that this post really makes me want to try it and see if I can make them now?
Damn Martha.
haha! I know: me, too. It feels like a challenge. Although I don’t know where you buy glycerine and epoxy- I’m assuming Michael’s, which i’m ok with since it’s one of my favorite places on earth. I’m a craft ho.
Okay – if either of you make these damn things – DO NOT post your beautiful creations on your blogs and make me look bad. UNFOLLOW!
I just snorted and cackled throughout this post.
I love that you’re not crafty. Just like me.
We truly should be sisters. You just need bigger feet.
Loved the post!!!!
Haha…hilarious! I’ve seen these before and have wanted to try…now I know better. But I do have a super easy craft for you to try…I stole it off Pinterest. All you need is an unused scrabble game, some mini figurines (uh oh) and some epoxy…(oh, maybe I shouldn’t go there!) Lol!
Laughing so hard.
The fact that you even attempted to make homemade snow globes should get you some sort of mothering award. And a pass from crafting for 2.4 years.
See that is what I told my kids – don’t I get an A for effort. Nothing…
Oh my heaven, you’ve written another post that I’ve had to read while suppressing giggles as my family sleeps and I read. Thanks so much for the laughs and the pictures. I’m so glad I’m not the only mom who HATES craft projects!
I am laughing out loud at this whole thing. This is SO me, I always substitute a bunch of crap and then end up with, well, crap. I love you.
Priceless! LOVE all the “fail” pics. I totally hear you about the crafting with kids thing. Like Martha ever crafted with her little Alexis (bless her heart).
The funny thing is, I have been saving jars and bought those same exact tacky figurines from somewhere a few years ago for this very purpose…just can’t find ‘em. You have just saved my ass. Thank you!
I never pictured you as a Southern Girl..bless your heart. xo
You are a woman after my own heart….seriously why make something when you can buy it???? LOL this was fantastic!!!!
So funny! At least you have good blog material. I would have just deleted the e-mail.
I don’t even know what epoxy is…
and the fact that your snowglobes turned out like shit…makes me feel so much better about myself…
So do what this uncrafty mama does when the kids want to craft…
set them up at the table with contruction paper, scissors, magazines, glue, noodles, and whatever else they can glue…voila! I’m the best mother ever…
Martha? bwahaha
I know – and that shit is so much easier to just throw away when they are done. For some reason I feel bad throwing away the glittered floaties we made.
She makes it all seem so…doable. And pretty. And easy. And pretty. And she gives those of us who don’t have it naturally — false feelings of craftability. Down with Martha! Death to snow globes! Revolt! Revolt! (As I sit down to open the email I just got on tree trimming because…pretty).
I am so going to avoid this craft.
i’m like 98% sure the Dollar Store sells snow globes.
It’s reasons like this that Martha is my mortal enemy. She always says it’s so easy and it never ever is! I hope you are feeling better.
So love your humor! I had this idea I wanted to do this sort of thing w/my kids (no Martha email just pinterest, sigh. Now thanks to you I know mine would turn out much worse…probably.
Your snow globes; I’m so sorry for you.
You know Martha just emails you to rub it in.
m.
I thought I was the only one that erupted in hives when entering Michael’s. Glad to know that I am not.
Tracy, you seriously crack me up, sister! This post made my day!!
So glad I’m not the only person who tries this shit and it doesn’t work. cute in theory but really, if it’s not already at my house, or if I have to hunt for it (like gycerin) I’m not gonna do it.
I could probably snag some glycerin from my lab, but anything that requires glitter I’m going to avoid because that stuff gets everywhere.
And Martha Stewart? Total craft over-achiever.
Okay – so where do I buy it?
Hysterical! Martha just makes me hate myself so I don’t get her emails. This is a very very good thing.
Now I don’t feel nearly as bad about not being able to make a coffee filter wreath happen.
Martha is just delusional!
Any craft involving glitter is pretty much a fail.
OMG, this would be me. Totally. I do NOT craft. I abide by the same philosophy as you: If it’s available for sale, then for the love of all that’s holy, BUY IT! The thought of sitting down and actually making shit for hours on end actually makes me itch a little bit.
Also? Epoxy sounds like a medical condition. As in, “I had an epoxy.”
I’m totally using that in a conversation this week. “and then last week OMG I had to go the doctor to get an epoxy” ..and see if anyone questions me.
I love that you tried! I would have suggested we try doing something else fun, like say, clean the bathroom together. Doesn’t that sound great?!
I’m not a craft person at all. Although I secretly wish I could do crafts. That is, IF I wanted to.
Yes – this weekend will be ‘dusting’ fun and ‘scubbing’ fun – down with this crafting stuff.
Martha can kiss my ass. You, on the other hand, rock. I love that you tried, but sister, if you had succeeded, I would be gagging.
I am a Martha fail.
Is it ok to laugh at you and mention I’m NOT a glitter crafter EVER?
good.
It’s totally acceptable to laugh and to remind me to never buy glitter again.
Best crafty post ever.
p.s. At least you tried. If my kids asked to do a craft I’d probably say, “Hell no. Let’s skip that and just stab me in the eyes with a fork.”
Or something.
Next time I will try that line…
Cracking up over here…for the record I would have ignored the exact things. Epoxy? wtf. Consider yourself a trendsetter in snow globes. Glittered floaties are the NEXT BIG THING!
Thank you for joining the Glittered Floaty movement.
Hey, at least you tried- which is much more than I do!
My nightmares, from this day forward, will involve “big glitter.”
My mother-in-law’s boyfriend, who looks & dresses like a hobo, recently gave me a big bottle of glycerin. Apparently, this is better to blow bubbles with than the standard run-of-the-mill-soapy-bubble-mix . . . but I keep thinking that if I put it under pressure, it’ll blow shit up.
Well now you can make snow globes with your glycerin! GO YOU. You just have to find BIG GLITTER…..
Every single craft I make turns out EXACTLY like this. Why can’t we just all write stories and be happy, hmmmmmmm????
Holy shit, I’m dying laughing! I am SO not crafty either and can relate to every single thing you said. Glitter-crusted floaties?? I laughed out loud, just picturing the looks on the girls’ faces.
If I can buy it for a reasonable sum, or even better on sale, why would I torture myself trying to MAKE it? It’s job creation. You know, for the real makers of said thing.
Freakin’ hilarious.
Yeah – I know you – and your homemade play-doh… xo
Ha. Love it. Yes, this is exactly why I never attempt any sort of crafting myself. I don’t even own a glue gun.
You are my hero. I didn’t own one until I was 41 – so you still have time.
The fact that you even attempted to make a craft of this magnitude should be applauded. (I know that I am applauding you). This totally puts my foam Christmas tree with stickers stuck to it to shame.
Amen sister. Tell it like it is.
Aravinda (has no glue gun)
Oh my god, I’m dying laughing! You are so very brave to try such a craft! I probably would have made the same choices and ended up with the same floaties.
I say we all make some floaties this year. They are all the rage.
I’m sorry, but I laughed out loud at your post. Well, because it could have been me improvising with this project and having floating ‘vintage’ figurines.
There is a Martha Stewart Sucks website. My husband said it has tips for normal people. But then I’m still challenged when it comes to crafting.
I’m now following you and wish you luck with your future craft attempts.
Regina
http://www.thecrazynutsmom.com
Okay I must find this website – just to make me feel better about my non-crafting self. Thank you for the kind follow. xo
My kids are 22 and 17…was I supposed to do crafts with them? Talk about major fail! We will all be sitting around the table tonight making some kind of craft while singing Christmas carols and drinking cheap wine! That gets me back mother of the year award right?
OMG you get to drink cheap wine with your kids..I cannot wait for that day! xo
Glycerin – I’m surprised CVS didn’t have it – that’s the kind of place I’ve found it at in the past…
Epoxy = Aquarium glue – go to a fish store.
Good for you for trying. You got much further than I would.
Turns out that CVS does carry it but they cannot keep it on the shelves…popular product. Crazy people.
My husband kept asking me what I was reading because I kept laughing out loud. I so relate. So relate.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…
Oh my goodness, this seriously looked like something I’d do on a regularly basis. Not the Martha Stewart version… the failed version, I mean
Honestly, I admire you for attempting to make ‘em in the first place! THAT took guts, woman! ROTF
And because I am obviously a glutton for glitter coated anything, I pinned this, and I am going to attempt them at some point. Despite the fact that the last snow globe we had was shattered on the floor in a million glyceriny (I called it slimy at the time; I was uninformed) pieces of glass and snow.
The mere mention of Michael’s evoked a visceral response similar to your own.
As for Martha, thought you might enjoy this parody of Martha Stewart’s Living: http://www.humormatters.com/holidays/Christmas/xmasstewart.htm