I am not crafty.
I can sew. I can bake. But pretty much my motto is… “if it’s available for sale – hey, let’s buy it and support the economy and use our time more wisely on things like twitter, facebook and blogging!”
For example – Play-doh, crayons, finger paint, anything with glitter, snow globes – they all come prepackaged for moms like me. In fact I have to drive out to the suburbs to buy the crap I need to make the crap that then drives me nuts when my kids play with it.
Also I tend to get the shakes when I enter Michael’s.
But I received this damn email from Martha Stewart. Seriously, she emails me daily with crap I can make and I look at her pictures and get more upset because her staging of the pictures is so nice. I mean – if you are seriously making this crap for a four year old to play with – it’s going to be on your messy kitchen table with peanut butter finger prints all over it – not set on linen with a fresh wreath in the background. I call bullshit.
And I try to unsubscribe to her daily emails but they keep coming and I keep opening them just to feel my failure that day as I’m not an “organic craft mom” and I give her the finger on my iPhone as I roll into my urban Target and buy – get this CRAYONS, play-doh, PAINT, and snow globes. Oh and pre-made wreaths dammit.
Anyway, the girls wanted to do a Christmas craft – because evidently they also get Martha in their in-boxes so I said fine..let’s do snow globes. Those look easy. I have jars – because I used to can in like the 70′s.
Here are Martha Stewart’s Snow Globes.
Here are ours.
Take a moment.
So here’s the issue – I am NOT going to travel 500 miles to 500 stores to try to find these damn “essential materials” to make this happen. “Hey let’s spend the next seven days to prepare for a craft that lasts…oh…about five minutes with kids with the attention spans of gnats.” FUN!
Martha’s Material List to Make a Snow Globe:
What I could come up with by not leaving a five mile radius of my house and in -between school drop-off, music class, lunch, nap, dinner making, laundry and vacuuming and other general motherhood and housewifely duties that do not include crafting.
Materials needed to make a snow globe
Vintage figuringes $1.99 ornaments from CVS because yeah, no time to go thrifting and “vintaging” and “oh my hell” Epoxy – no clue what this is. I have a glue gun and assumed all I ever will need is a glue gun.
Distilled water – CHECK – readily available at CVS!
Gylcerin – Yeah nobody carries this nor knows what it is. Please don’t make me ask anyone else. I bought baby oil. Large glitter – THERE ARE SIZES. Sorry, CVS only had traditional small and annoying, will coat everything glitter. Various sizes of jars. – Bite me – my jelly used to come in one size. Oh here let me save every jar we’ve ever used this year and clean it out and store it just in case we do a craft – NOT
General Snow Globe Making Instructions
-epoxy “vintage figurines” to inside of lid
-fill jars almost full with distilled water and then a pinch of glitter and a dash of glycerin
-screw on lid and turn upside down
-admire the Winter Wonderland you created OR if you are my children watch your cheap CVS ornaments that are now coated with glitter, float up to the top
Okay – So they sucked and my kids just shook their heads at another one of their mother’s epic craft fails – so here’s what you need to know….
1. Buy the damn snow globes readily made..well because they are readily made!
…but if you must actually do this damn craft…
2. You need the glycerin. Baby oil does not work – it just makes the glitter glob to itself and glob onto the “vintage figurines”
3. Your “vintage figurines” need to be higher than the lid. BIG mistake here. oy.
4. Epoxy must be key because within seconds of submersion our “vintage figurines” were glitter-crusted floaties.
5. I’m also assuming that big glitter means snowflakes you can see, because regular glitter does not show up on the water – well it might but all of ours was stuck on the floating figurines.
Now would someone just go buy my kids a damn snow globe and tell Martha to stop emailing me.
What is your biggest craft fail?