Why The Hell Did I Buy Glitter?

I am not crafty.

 

I can sew. I can bake. But pretty much my motto is… “if it’s available for sale – hey, let’s buy it and support the economy and use our time more wisely on things like twitter, facebook and blogging!”

 

For example – Play-doh, crayons, finger paint, anything with glitter, snow globes – they all come prepackaged for moms like me.  In fact I have to drive out to the suburbs to buy the crap I need to make the crap that then drives me nuts when my kids play with it.

 

Also I tend to get the shakes when I enter Michael’s.

 

But I received this damn email from Martha Stewart. Seriously, she emails me daily with crap I can make and I look at her pictures and get more upset because her staging of the pictures is so nice. I mean – if you are seriously making this crap for a four year old to play with – it’s going to be on your messy kitchen table with peanut butter finger prints all over it – not set on linen with a fresh wreath in the background. I call bullshit.

 

And I try to unsubscribe to her daily emails but they keep coming and I keep opening them just to feel my failure that day as I’m not an “organic craft mom” and I give her the finger on my iPhone as I roll into my urban Target and buy – get this CRAYONS, play-doh, PAINT, and snow globes. Oh and pre-made wreaths dammit.

 

Anyway, the girls wanted to do a Christmas craft – because evidently they also get Martha in their in-boxes so I said fine..let’s do snow globes. Those look easy. I have jars – because I used to can in like the 70′s.

 

Here are Martha Stewart’s Snow Globes.

Here are ours.

Take a moment.

 

So here’s the issue – I am NOT going to travel 500 miles to 500 stores to try to find these damn “essential materials” to make this happen. “Hey let’s spend the next seven days to prepare for a craft that lasts…oh…about five minutes with kids with the attention spans of gnats.” FUN!

Martha’s Material List to Make a Snow Globe:

What I could come up with by not leaving a five mile radius of my house and in -between school drop-off, music class, lunch, nap, dinner making, laundry and vacuuming and other general motherhood and housewifely duties that do not include crafting.

Materials needed to make a snow globe

Vintage figuringes $1.99 ornaments from CVS because yeah, no time to go thrifting and “vintaging” and “oh my hell”

Epoxy – no clue what this is. I have a glue gun and assumed all I ever will need is a glue gun.

Distilled water – CHECK – readily available at CVS!

Gylcerin – Yeah nobody carries this nor knows what it is. Please don’t make me ask anyone else. I bought baby oil.

Large glitter – THERE ARE SIZES. Sorry, CVS only had traditional small and annoying, will coat everything glitter.

Various sizes of jars. – Bite me – my jelly used to come in one size. Oh here let me save every jar we’ve ever used this year and clean it out and store it just in case we do a craft – NOT

 

General Snow Globe Making Instructions

-clean jars

-epoxy “vintage figurines” to inside of lid

-fill jars almost full with distilled water and then a pinch of glitter and a dash of glycerin

-screw on lid and turn upside down

-admire the Winter Wonderland you created OR if you are my children watch your cheap CVS ornaments that are now coated with glitter, float up to the top

Okay – So they sucked and my kids just shook their heads at another one of their mother’s epic craft fails – so here’s what you need to know….

1.  Buy the damn snow globes readily made..well because they are readily made!

…but if you must actually do this damn craft…

2.  You need the glycerin. Baby oil does not work – it just makes the glitter glob to itself and glob onto the “vintage figurines”

3.  Your “vintage figurines” need to be higher than the lid. BIG mistake here. oy.

4. Epoxy must be key because within seconds of submersion our “vintage figurines” were glitter-crusted floaties.

5. I’m also assuming that big glitter means snowflakes you can see, because regular glitter does not show up on the water – well it might but all of ours was stuck on the floating figurines.

 

Now would someone just go buy my kids a damn snow globe and tell Martha to stop emailing me.

 

What is your biggest craft fail?

About Tracy


My name is Tracy Morrison and I live in sunny Minnesota. I'm neither British nor a nun - I'm just a Midwesterner with a headache. This is mainly a humor and lifestyle blog that documents the lighter side of parenting. I am an ex-corporate ladder climber turned freelance writer, social media manager, and fashion expert - and ruler of my own little universe(very small). Aren't we all. I would love for you to contact me at tracy@sellabitmum.com

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Comments

    • says

      haha! I know: me, too. It feels like a challenge. Although I don’t know where you buy glycerine and epoxy- I’m assuming Michael’s, which i’m ok with since it’s one of my favorite places on earth. I’m a craft ho.

      • says

        Okay – if either of you make these damn things – DO NOT post your beautiful creations on your blogs and make me look bad. UNFOLLOW! ;)

  1. says

    Haha…hilarious! I’ve seen these before and have wanted to try…now I know better. But I do have a super easy craft for you to try…I stole it off Pinterest. All you need is an unused scrabble game, some mini figurines (uh oh) and some epoxy…(oh, maybe I shouldn’t go there!) Lol!

  2. says

    Laughing so hard.

    The fact that you even attempted to make homemade snow globes should get you some sort of mothering award. And a pass from crafting for 2.4 years.

  3. says

    Oh my heaven, you’ve written another post that I’ve had to read while suppressing giggles as my family sleeps and I read. Thanks so much for the laughs and the pictures. I’m so glad I’m not the only mom who HATES craft projects!

  4. says

    I am laughing out loud at this whole thing. This is SO me, I always substitute a bunch of crap and then end up with, well, crap. I love you.

  5. says

    Priceless! LOVE all the “fail” pics. I totally hear you about the crafting with kids thing. Like Martha ever crafted with her little Alexis (bless her heart).

    The funny thing is, I have been saving jars and bought those same exact tacky figurines from somewhere a few years ago for this very purpose…just can’t find ‘em. You have just saved my ass. Thank you!

  6. says

    You are a woman after my own heart….seriously why make something when you can buy it???? LOL this was fantastic!!!!

  7. says

    I don’t even know what epoxy is…
    and the fact that your snowglobes turned out like shit…makes me feel so much better about myself…
    So do what this uncrafty mama does when the kids want to craft…
    set them up at the table with contruction paper, scissors, magazines, glue, noodles, and whatever else they can glue…voila! I’m the best mother ever…
    Martha? bwahaha

    • says

      I know – and that shit is so much easier to just throw away when they are done. For some reason I feel bad throwing away the glittered floaties we made.

  8. says

    She makes it all seem so…doable. And pretty. And easy. And pretty. And she gives those of us who don’t have it naturally — false feelings of craftability. Down with Martha! Death to snow globes! Revolt! Revolt! (As I sit down to open the email I just got on tree trimming because…pretty).

  9. says

    It’s reasons like this that Martha is my mortal enemy. She always says it’s so easy and it never ever is! I hope you are feeling better.

  10. says

    So love your humor! I had this idea I wanted to do this sort of thing w/my kids (no Martha email just pinterest, sigh. Now thanks to you I know mine would turn out much worse…probably.

  11. says

    So glad I’m not the only person who tries this shit and it doesn’t work. cute in theory but really, if it’s not already at my house, or if I have to hunt for it (like gycerin) I’m not gonna do it.

  12. says

    I could probably snag some glycerin from my lab, but anything that requires glitter I’m going to avoid because that stuff gets everywhere.

    And Martha Stewart? Total craft over-achiever.

  13. says

    Hysterical! Martha just makes me hate myself so I don’t get her emails. This is a very very good thing.

    Now I don’t feel nearly as bad about not being able to make a coffee filter wreath happen.

  14. says

    OMG, this would be me. Totally. I do NOT craft. I abide by the same philosophy as you: If it’s available for sale, then for the love of all that’s holy, BUY IT! The thought of sitting down and actually making shit for hours on end actually makes me itch a little bit.

    Also? Epoxy sounds like a medical condition. As in, “I had an epoxy.”

    • says

      I’m totally using that in a conversation this week. “and then last week OMG I had to go the doctor to get an epoxy” ..and see if anyone questions me.

  15. says

    I love that you tried! I would have suggested we try doing something else fun, like say, clean the bathroom together. Doesn’t that sound great?!

    I’m not a craft person at all. Although I secretly wish I could do crafts. That is, IF I wanted to.

  16. says

    Martha can kiss my ass. You, on the other hand, rock. I love that you tried, but sister, if you had succeeded, I would be gagging.

    I am a Martha fail.

    :)

  17. says

    Best crafty post ever.

    p.s. At least you tried. If my kids asked to do a craft I’d probably say, “Hell no. Let’s skip that and just stab me in the eyes with a fork.”

    Or something.

  18. says

    Cracking up over here…for the record I would have ignored the exact things. Epoxy? wtf. Consider yourself a trendsetter in snow globes. Glittered floaties are the NEXT BIG THING!

  19. says

    My nightmares, from this day forward, will involve “big glitter.”

    My mother-in-law’s boyfriend, who looks & dresses like a hobo, recently gave me a big bottle of glycerin. Apparently, this is better to blow bubbles with than the standard run-of-the-mill-soapy-bubble-mix . . . but I keep thinking that if I put it under pressure, it’ll blow shit up.

  20. says

    Holy shit, I’m dying laughing! I am SO not crafty either and can relate to every single thing you said. Glitter-crusted floaties?? I laughed out loud, just picturing the looks on the girls’ faces.

    If I can buy it for a reasonable sum, or even better on sale, why would I torture myself trying to MAKE it? It’s job creation. You know, for the real makers of said thing. :)

  21. says

    The fact that you even attempted to make a craft of this magnitude should be applauded. (I know that I am applauding you). This totally puts my foam Christmas tree with stickers stuck to it to shame.

  22. says

    I’m sorry, but I laughed out loud at your post. Well, because it could have been me improvising with this project and having floating ‘vintage’ figurines.

    There is a Martha Stewart Sucks website. My husband said it has tips for normal people. But then I’m still challenged when it comes to crafting.

    I’m now following you and wish you luck with your future craft attempts.

    Regina
    http://www.thecrazynutsmom.com

    • admin says

      Okay I must find this website – just to make me feel better about my non-crafting self. Thank you for the kind follow. xo

  23. Gina says

    My kids are 22 and 17…was I supposed to do crafts with them? Talk about major fail! We will all be sitting around the table tonight making some kind of craft while singing Christmas carols and drinking cheap wine! That gets me back mother of the year award right?

  24. tracy s says

    Glycerin – I’m surprised CVS didn’t have it – that’s the kind of place I’ve found it at in the past…

    Epoxy = Aquarium glue – go to a fish store.

    Good for you for trying. You got much further than I would.

    • admin says

      Turns out that CVS does carry it but they cannot keep it on the shelves…popular product. Crazy people.

  25. says

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

    Oh my goodness, this seriously looked like something I’d do on a regularly basis. Not the Martha Stewart version… the failed version, I mean ;) Honestly, I admire you for attempting to make ‘em in the first place! THAT took guts, woman! ROTF

  26. says

    And because I am obviously a glutton for glitter coated anything, I pinned this, and I am going to attempt them at some point. Despite the fact that the last snow globe we had was shattered on the floor in a million glyceriny (I called it slimy at the time; I was uninformed) pieces of glass and snow.