Jesus Would Never Block My Sidewalk…

Well hello there. You all probably thought that after my 1000th post I retired with my $1 and my Starbucks coffee mug into the mom bloggers archives. Or what I like to call…the bar.  Or my couch with glass of pinot noir and Downton Abbey on continual play.

 

But no, I’m still here doing laundry and online shopping. I mean how could I leave you all.

 

When I haven’t yet shared this asshole with you.

This right here is what I call a First World Problem.

 

And it irritates me to no end.

Now I know we live in an urban area without driveways and with many apartments and business around.  But our street is still such that there is ample parking for everyone and their visitors without BLOCKING MY SIDEWALK ACCESS TO THE STREET!

 

Especially in the Winter when this now means I have to trudge over snowbanks with my kids (typically snow is much higher than it is this year) to get to my own car and guests now have to either trudge through snowbanks or go down to the next neighbors house to get to my home.

 

And I’m actually a pretty tolerant person(okay not really) – but choosing to block someone’s sidewalk when there are plenty of spaces ALL AROUND YOU then WHY, WHY do you do it.

 

So I’ve made up these cute little passive aggressive note-cards that I LOVE putting under their wipers when they commit this heinous crime…

 

Dear Friend,

If you feel you must park in front of our home instead of in front of your home or your friend’s home or just while you are here visiting our community for a bit, please do not block our sidewalk access to the street.

 

It’s the neighborly thing to do.

 

Have a great day!

The owner and tax payer of the home you are parked in front of

 

Which drives Jed crazy because 1. I care so much about this and spend way too much time policing the area, and 2. He’s committed the same crime..and yes, I’ve left him the same note.

 

And I told him that I am not the only one in the city who is bothered by this..there are people out there who have made actual signs that they’ve staked at the streets reminding people to not block the sidewalks because evidently not everyone’s parents have taught them parking etiquette.

 

And after seven years of love-note writing I am frustrated as it’s not working and NEW inconsiderate people keep doing it…so I’ve decided just to erect a sign at the street and would love some votes on which one would be the most effective:

I could use my children..

..with their toughness or their smarts..

Or just take my kids out of the mix and teach the offenders a lesson of neighborly love…...or make it a lesson in good manners…

Or I wonder if the city would get mad if I installed a parking pay box in front of my house?

..and if that doesn’t work maybe a small threat of something more to come…

Or just short and sweet and to the point..

And if none of that works I will use Jesus because nobody would mess with Jesus.

Would love to hear your ideas for a sign.  And don’t tell me to just ignore the issue because evidently I gave them up about five years ago.

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The day I died and came back to life…

My worst nightmare came true yesterday.

You all have irrational fears right?  Right?  I know I do and at this point I cannot even type into words what that fear is because I haven’t eaten now in 24 hours because I am so disgusted.  The pictures will never leave my mind. The horror.

I had to say the whacked out irrational fear word out loud to the vet on the phone and I screamed afterwards and started running around the house like a lunatic because I felt like I was being attacked.  The vet told me to lay down before I fainted. And then I think she giggled a bit at me.

I came downstairs at 4:30 AM as usual. Push coffee maker on, go pee, sit down at computer and check twitter.  Drink coffee, drink water, get on running clothes and leave the house.  Arrive home at 5:30 to hear baby screaming upstairs, pick-up baby, walk into family room and find cat puke on the carpet.  You know, 2″ from the hardwood floors. Asshole.

Put down baby, go get rubber gloves, paper towel, carpet cleaner, carpet refreshing spray and rags.  Get down on knees to clean up puke and a …

…I cannot say it, type it..

WORMS crawled out of the vomit.

I need a moment.

And for that word to move up and off the page.

Okay, I have to take a break – I will be back shortly…

I am back. I think I just died again…because that is exactly what happened when I saw IT. I died.  First I  jumped so high and far that I landed on the roof of my neighbors house, and then I screamed like I was being attacked by demons. And then the baby cried because she thought I was being attacked by demons and because I died evidently right in front of her and left her alone with the vomit and IT.

After I returned to life and the house, I did what any completely whacked out and messed up rational person would do, I threw the carpeting out of the window while screaming and then sprayed Lysol all over my house and scrubbed the floors and kicked the cat out FOREVER.  AND EVER. AMEN.  All of this while hyperventilating and listening to a screaming, ignored baby.  “Hey baby – did you not see there was a wo…THAT in our house??!!”  Not okay.

And THEN. and then. I looked over in my family room. The room we, you know, family in and there is ONE of THEM squirming around.

Okay, I just threw up typing that. I need another moment.

So I did what any completely messed up psychotic whack job now sobbing for her life sane person would do and sucked him up into my Dustbuster and then threw said machine out into the backyard.

We now have to move.  And get all new stuff.  Because what if there are more?

So I called the vet screaming and crying that my cat puked up THAT in my house and what do I need to do.  Do I need an exorcism? Can someone just come pick up my cat?  Are their fumigators for this?

Do you know what she asked me???? DID I SAVE IT??????

Holy shit – who in their right mind would save A WORM??? And now because if I did not SAVE IT, she wants me to follow him around and get a poop sample  or wait for him to puke again.  So I asked “wouldn’t it just be easier to get rid of the cat if he is possessed by these demons? “  As there is no way in hell I am getting the  lunatic vet  a SAMPLE of anything that comes out of my cat.  Especially with THOSE in them. (and now all animal lovers are going to come down on me hard…) AND don’t you dare, and if you do feel so strongly to save my cat with THOSE inside of him, then you are welcome to come get a pretty little sample AND clean my house and buy me all new stuff in the meantime.

I need another moment…

So I am still having a panic attack, we need all new stuff, a new house, the cat is banished to some purgatory that I like to call “go roam and find a new home, our kitchen is closed” and I will never, ever eat again.

And, since those whack jobs vets actually want a sample of  THAT – that they actually LOOK at, then veterinarian is also coming off my list as a future career.

But then I remembered the worm sucking up tool Dustbuster in my backyard and was all like “Jed you need to bring that Dustbuster into the vet because there is a WORM in there they need to analyze!” And do not, and I repeat, do not bring that Dustbuster back.

And do you know what he did – he brought the entire Dustbuster to the place where the worm picking loonies vets work and gave it to them and told them there was a worm in there. I am totally not shitting you.  And you all thought that I was the crazy one.  My husband gave the vet a vacuum! LOONEY!  I guess he is also afraid of worms and I did not know this about him until he decided to deliver a vacuum to the vet vs. extracting the sample himself.  He made them pick through the cheerios and goldfish crackers.

So I come home to the vet on my answering machine(yes we still have a machine…we are very 1995 here..) “Um, this is Feist animal hospital calling about Donut’s worm. We analyzed the contents..snicker snicker giggle giggle snort snort… ” click.  The vet couldn’t stop laughing and hung up on my answering machine. Oh yes she did.  Bitch.  It is not funny. Worms are NOT funny.  So she tries again..”Um, I am so sorry about that first message, we have just never had a vacuum delivered before.  But we did analyze the contents and found that the worms are outside worms and not a parasite inside your cat you need to be concerned about.”

Not concerned, my cat is eating worms and puking them on my floor and I need not be concerned. What kind of vet do I have? A bunch of whack jobs. I need a new house here and nobody cares!

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