One month. Not real. It can’t be.
Something I want everyone to know – my days are not getting brighter. I don’t see how they can be. But I think that’s normal and okay. I was talking to a friend yesterday about grieving and how sometimes you just want to be alone without anyone or anything to do and just cry and grieve. Motherhood doesn’t allow that. Instead, I spend time driving around kids, cooking meals, and letting the dog out to pee. Rinse and repeat. And in between and during the daily things I cry. My kids sometimes look at me strangely because I’ll just cry without notice. But something will hit me – a memory, a thought, a smile, you. And that’s okay. It’s totally okay to be sad. I just wish I had someone to comfort me sometimes. That only person is you.
And that sucks more than anything.
I’m spending my weekend shuttling to Nutcracker rehearsals. I’m devastated that you won’t be here as planned. You’d be so proud of your little rat. Eloise has her first high school finals next week. So weird to be in this space. Esther is performing her choir concert on Thursday night at school. Her voice is like magic as you know. Maybe you’ll hear her. Fernie is crazy. This is nothing new.
Thinking about getting a tree today. Maybe. Maybe not.
Things that have changed my life for the better in the month since you’ve been gone…
- A Nespresso milk frother. OMG world changing. Everyone needs one.
- Wool socks handknit by Kristi. My feet are so happy. I wish I could give you a pair.
- Snow. It finally snowed on Tuesday. We need more snow. I love winter and I can hear you laughing at me as you know how much I love it..and how much you don’t.
Love you, Mom. Forever.