I’ve cried all day today. So that’s fun. Sunday I cried, Monday I was angry, Tuesday I don’t even remember, but today I’m just so sad. I think it’s because the girls asked about….
Okay, it’s now the next day and I’m starting this letter again as I couldn’t finish it last night as I couldn’t even see through my tears. So today is now Thursday and I’m still weepy.
Reasons I can’t stop crying…
- You are gone.
- Decorating for Christmas sounds horrific.
- I don’t want to celebrate Christmas. I know I need to for my kids, but selfishly I want to go to Bora Bora and feel the warm sea on my toes.
- But I can’t do that because I would see shells and think of you because you would walk the beaches for days and days and days and hours and hours and collect shells.
- Shells are now ruined for me.
- You are gone.
- I am lonely. My person is gone.
- I talked to Kyle about you a couple nights ago and it just brought up so much that went wrong with your medical care. You were ROBBED of a life and good care, and I know we can’t go back and change anything, but damn I’m mad for you. You died a horrible and painful death and you deserved so much better.
- You can’t text me back.
- My list of things I need to tell you is growing and growing and growing and how will I ever tell you all the things you’ve missed in four weeks? In eight weeks? In six months? In a year? My brain is full and my heart is just empty.
Things that make me laugh…
- Fernie-poodle. Because dogs are crazy and stupid and lovable. But then I think about how much you loved her and I get sad again.
- Good friends with good stories and good wine. I want to hear good news and fun news and I don’t want them to feel bad telling me about good things.
- Cat videos.
Somehow I’m going to find the strength to get our holiday decorations today. Or tomorrow. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I just want to talk to you.