Wednesdays are the worst. Because it was Wednesday that I got the call. Wednesday when we last spoke. Wednesdays can suck it for real.
In other news, Matt Lauer was fired today for sexual misconduct. You never liked him, now I know why George was your go-to morning news guy. Basically, all men in power are pigs of some sort because they can’t seem to help themselves from being assholes to women. We’ve come a long way baby…ha! I wish for more for your granddaughters. More respect, more knowledge, more strength, more safe environments, more not having a prove a wrong, not having to worry about their safety because of an asshole man.
Eloise turns 15 this week. I guess it’s the things you are now missing that hurt the most. No, it’s not being able to talk to you that hurts the most, but really it’s all the other things too. Can I tell you the saddest thing that anyone has said to me since you died? On our last night in your house, Astrid snuggled up next to me and said “Mommy, since I’m still so little, do you think that I’ll not be old enough to really remember Grammy? Because I really want to remember her – how she talked and felt like, how she smelled like peaches and loved me the mostest.” And I didn’t know what to say to her because I had my Grammy until I was 37. I have millions of little memories…and most of them are from after I was eight. So this is my fault for having her so late in life, for cheating her of Grammy, for taking away years of memories to make.
Do you know what I’m sick of? People telling me you’re in a better place. The fuck, Mom. People – don’t tell people that. So dumb.
I have a funny for you. The funeral director guy was making some laminated obituaries for us, and during your visitation, he came over to show me some samples. All of them had some heavy scriptures and crosses and such on the back, so I asked him if he had something that was a little more “Jesus Light.” He laughed with me thank goodness. I know you would’ve loved that moment. Laughter is helping me not cry all of the time. But if I want to cry more, I just have to catch up on “This Is Us.” What the fuck show, and your stories and tears and such. Also, I want to go see Ladybird – it’s called the Mother of mother/daughter movies. Not sure I’m quite ready though. If anyone is looking for a great investment right now I suggest buying stock in facial tissue companies. Or actually, toilet paper companies as we are a multi-purpose use household…which always drove you a bit crazy that I never bought facial tissue.
A list of things that you and Grandma did that has now died with you: (I apologize for only the poor handwriting)
- Folding fitted sheets
- Ironing – anything
- Beautiful cursive handwriting
- Buying facial tissue
- Not understanding why cats are awesome pets
- Making liver and onions
- Wearing matching socks
- Folding underwear
- Hanging sheets out to dry
- Dancing like no one was watching
Well, I better let you go as I have loads of work to still catch up on. I’ll write more tomorrow.
Love you…you’re my everything.