I have so much to tell you. It’s been nearly three weeks since we last spoke and you told me you loved me and that I was your everything. And then, and then we never spoke again. I’m not even quite sure why I even carry my phone around anymore because it’s not like it’s going to ring. It’s not going to say “Mom Cell” again when it rings. If it rings. It won’t ring. But when you talk to a person every day for years and years and years and years, you kind of expect your phone to ring again. And for it to be You. But it won’t. It can’t.
The carpool lane is lonely without your voice. I always got to school 15 minutes early so I could call you on the phone and speak to you without interruption of work or kids or life. Just us one on one. Every day. Or sometimes I would call you in the morning right after school drop off. Somedays we spoke on the phone two or three times. I would just call you or you would just call me because we had a quick story to share, or a funny thing that happened, or a question, or we wanted to bitch about whatshisnamethecurrentfuckwadinchief.
People tell me I’m lucky because we were so close. I guess that’s true. But lucky in love means devastatingly and horridly heartbroken in death.
I’m lonely, Mom. There’s no one to really talk to now. Sure there are the dearest of friends, but there’s not you. No one understood me like you, no one could laugh with me like you, no one. I should probably just leave my phone at home because the silence is deafening.
Some updates for you – Eloise made the winter club volleyball team. She texted you about it three days after you were already gone because she knows how proud you would be. Esther starts pointe in ballet tonight. She’s over the moon excited. It’s hard for me to be at the dance studio though as I know you won’t be at the recital this year. There shouldn’t be recitals without you. Do you remember our first recital and that lady who yelled at me for “taking her chair.” Our first Dance Moms experience. A memory to cherish for sure. Astrid is deep in rehearsals for the Nutcracker. You were going to come watch this year. You’d be proud of her as she’s quite the natural ballerina and of course takes her role very seriously. Jed’s busy putting away the bikes for the season and cleaning out the garage. We had a broken water pipe on Sunday, so that was a fun project for him. Ha! I’m back to work and basically just crying a lot. I also caught up on Scandal and have so much to tell you about it. I had wine with Kristi on Saturday. We both had a good cry. But you and Mike are still gone, and that sucks more than you know.
I’ll write more tomorrow. Love you, Mom. You’re my Everything.