I’m heading to the airport in 35 minutes for a flight to Costa Rica and I have yet to shower, drink enough coffee for this ungodly early morning, or admit fully to how much I’m going to miss my kids.
The last thing I’ll do before I leave is sneak into their dark bedrooms and kiss their still washed fresh foreheads, tuck their blankets back to their chins, and smooth their hair away from their eyes. That quick memory of my babies I will take with me this morning on my trip. Alone.
How often to mothers(caregivers of any type) earn time to themselves. Really time. Not just coffee(although that’s a win too), but DAYS alone. And when I say alone – I don’t mean without any people – oh there are brilliant people where I am going – I just mean without anyone asking me where their purple ponytail holder is, or asking for a sandwich. And that’s just Jed.
And on the motherhood side – whoa, I have it so easy with kids that help and don’t really talk back and love their sisters, that why should I need this time?
But I do. As Astrid has started kindergarten, and Eloise middle school, and Esther follows her heart with dreams so big I could just burst of pride. Well I need some dreams too. I’m not too old for those. So this time away is for me – to plan, to dream, to sketch out a future for me too. Yes ME TOO. We are allowed that as parents.
And I sure as hell am not going to complain that my “dreaming” place is on a beach in Costa Rica versus a yurt in the Yukon. No offense people of the North.
These precious six days away have left me exhausted planning for with things to be executed for family carpools, dance outfits, lunch plans, and field trip slips being all turned over to Jed in some kind of organized fashion so the kids end up being where they are suppose to be during my absence. And as I presented Jed with the information yesterday, he said “So you keep all of this just in your head like all of the time?” And I said “Yes.” And he said “You’re amazing.” And I said “Yep, I’ll own that and now maybe you get sex tonight for finally realizing ALLTHATIDO.”
So even though he might just throw all that shit away and they’ll just go on some motorcycle trip and never wash clothes and skip music lessons – well I don’t care, because I’M AWAY.
Last night as I tucked the kids into bed and said our official goodbyes – two kids cried and my heart broke and I wondered if this was selfish of me. The older kid actually hugged me and said “I love you, Mom.” This older kid is not a huggy/kissy person, so these signs of affections startled me and really had me questioning my decision to leave – because even SHE seems like she’ll miss me. But then she said “Have fun and do this for you, Mom – because you deserve it. I cannot wait to hear everything about your trip.”
So I’m off to dream and plan and start designing the second half of my life. Our lives.
Pura Vida my friends.