1. You curse the invention of the penis.
2. You eat all the peanut butter directly out of the jar and don’t even bother wiping your mouth clean.
3. Hallmark commercials not only make your cry, but make you consider just taking a nap for the next four years under expensive down comforters.
4. NFL commercials make you cry. And you hate all sports. And men.
5. You cry because you’ve never splurged on nice bedding and you deserve nice bedding RIGHT NOW.
6. You only have love for your cat. Only your cat loves you. You take selfies with your cat.
7. You think about how your whole family just needs to move away for a few days. BECAUSE PEOPLE!
8. You dream about living in a yurt in the Yukon without any neighbors ever.
9. You could totally live off the land and nobody would ever talk to you again ever. Ever.
10. You are annoyed by how your husband breathes.
11. Don’t get you started on how he chews.
12. NOBODY CAN EAT AROUND ME THIS WEEK! OR BREATHE! OR MOVE!
13. You apologize to your daughters because they also each have a uterus.
14. They ask you what a uterus is and you have to take a 10 hour nap because you just cannot talk about it.
15. Where is my nice bedding?
16. You eat your weight in dark chocolate and have to hide the wrappers in the bottom of the trash can.
17. You eat your husband’s weight in dark chocolate and say “Fuck it” and leave the wrappers all over your bedroom. Then you give the “DON’T CROSS ME -PMS” look to anyone who dares judge you about the chocolate eating. They bring you more chocolate.
18. You think maybe you need to get another cat because two cats, or 10 cats, is all that you need.
19. It takes you two hours to get dressed because nothing fits and you are so bloated.
20. The extra water weight in your cheeks makes you wear infinity scarves that now cover the lower part of your face. You envy mummies.
21. You praise Jesus that you live in a a cold climate and bloat camouflage is possible. But you start crying about summer. And PMS. And lack of infinity scarves even though it won’t happen for six months.
22. You start talking to the washing machine because nobody else gets you. BUT MY GOD, WHY ALL THE LAUNDRY NOW!
23. You are convinced that you will never have a good hair day again.
24. You will wear a hat until you are 62.
25. You cry because your cat doesn’t have the right kind of thumbs and can’t hold a coffee cup when he sits next to you. AND YOU JUST NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO GETS YOU. Because the washing machine pissed you off yesterday.
26. You’re convinced that everyone on Facebook hates you because nobody talks to you and they ignore your posts.
27. WHAT ABOUT ME?????
28. You think about deleting all social media accounts because what’s the point. No one cares about MY WORDS!
29. You realize you are 45 – not 15 – and then get sadder because when will the PMS EVER END.
30. You meet the eyes of a strange lady in the produce section of the grocery store and realize she has the same PMS look, so you nod and pretty soon you are hugging a stranger at Target. Because PMS.
31. You feel better being NOT ALONE.
32. But then a man walks by and you both whisper ‘men‘ and you cry again. Because how dare he BREATHE!
33. You think about getting more cats.
34. But buy more chocolate instead.
35. And then a dozen donuts because your jeans are tight this week.
36. Donuts and tampons. Donuts and tampons. That’s all I need.
37. And more cats.
38. You cry to every song on the radio. Especially the ones by David Gray.
39. Fucking Babylon indeed.
40. Don’t even get me started on The Indigo Girls. You sing Closer To Fine with the windows down and as you pass by, women nod and whisper amongst themselves “PMS.” They throw chocolate at your minivan.
41. Oh my hell I drive a minivan – this is what it’s come to, isn’t it?
42. Make lists of what to buy daughters when they start their periods for the first time – 1. Chocolate 2. Cats 3. Nice bedding 4. Peanut butter 5. Private yurt 6. Donuts 7. Tampons.
43. Make lists of what to take away from daughters when they start their periods for the first time – 1. Males 2. People 3. TVs 4. Computers 5. Music 6. Society 7. Minivans 8. Mirrors 9. Jeans.
44. Curl up on couch – cat on lap, chocolate in mouth, computer off, and listen to David Gray. But curse his penis. Because men.
45. Yell at husband when he suggests you might just have PMS this week. HOW DARE HE?
What am I missing here? Share your signs and laugh with me. And send cats holding chocolate. OMG they can’t hold chocolate, can they???