I’m a wreck right now.
And I hate it. I hate writing it, verbalizing it, and most of all feeling it right now.
I’m a wreck because I’m doubting myself.
I haven’t done anything that was 100% all about me in 11 years – since motherhood defined me – and now what if I fail? What if I cannot really do it? What if my family watches me fail? What if I never try again?
And I’m not that glass-half-empty kind of person. But frankly I’m scared.
And it doesn’t matter that I’ve trained hard for four months, that I’ve done this before (but when I was younger, fitter, faster, and single), that I’m injury free(knock wood), or that the weather forecast looks picture perfect.
That is still not a prediction of how Sunday will go.
It’s like preparing for your first child. I still remember and sometimes giggle about my birth plan. Or even that I had a birth plan(and believe me – I did not bother making one of those with child two or three). My plan included seeing a midwife – who would be present at my full-term home-birth – which of course included no drugs or doctors. Ideally my yoga instructor would also be there, the baby would be perfectly healthy, nurse immediately, have the most perfect nursery ever, and I would recover so quickly that I would hit the trails for a 10 mile run by that Saturday.
Instead I ended up with an emergency c-section at 35 weeks, no nursery, 6000 miles from my yoga instructor, a baby who could not latch, and 10 long weeks before I could run a mile comfortably.
So what I am saying is – no matter how much you plan and train – you cannot predict what your body will do that day. Or any day.
I’d liked to think that my training and the weather will aid in gliding me to a PR this Sunday – and also provide me with a finish without injury or poop in my pants.
I cannot control everything. And my nerves are getting the best of me. I can’t eat or sleep or focus on work, and I have a horrible stomach right now. I’m a mess – a mental mess and I just need to calm the fuck down. I need to not go out fast on Sunday. I need to do this just for me. Run my own race – and ignore the lady in front of me who I all of a sudden need to pass. My kids don’t care if I finish in under four or over five. They just want to hug me at the end and take me out to The Nook on Sunday for dinner.
And I need to remember that I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS. And that after this week, I will know that I can and I will be more than ready for my next marathon in the Spring. Because as freaked out as I am right now – I am totally doing this again. I will have faith in my body to pull me through and check my mental games the starting line(or maybe in the porta-potty at mile 3).
I get frustrated when my kids tell me they can’t do something when they never even try. Even though, it’s true – honestly everyone cannot do everything – but how do we really know unless we try.
And maybe this Sunday I won’t set a PR – or even finish in under five hours – but I will never know until I put forth my best effort and I worked really damn hard.
And deep down I know I can do this. And will do this. And will do this again.
My body, my mind, my spirit, my family and my friends will pull me through.
And that latte, the hugs, and the shower after the race are going to be the best things ever. And that moment afterwards will give me the chance to give my mind-games the ‘official middle finger’ as I say I DID THIS!
And on Sunday I WILL call myself a marathoner again.