It’s hard for me to type right now. My orange cat is on my lap with his head pressing down on my wrists as he licks and nips my hands because he wants me to pet him. He’s kind of fat and doesn’t really even fit completely on my lap – and my computer is taking up most the space anyway – so he keeps rearranging his chubby body so he stays on. At times he sits up and licks my chin.
He’s purring. He missed me. I was just gone for four days and no matter that the cats are really the girl’s cats. They are my cats. I’m the one who stays up late and they snuggle up close to me when I work or watch TV. I’m the one they sleep on. The orange on curled up on my chest and the black on on my hip. Every night for two years. I’m the one who feeds them every morning at 4:30am and I’m the one they snuggle with all day when the kids are at school.
So they are my cats. Even though we officially say the orange one(Truffle) is Eloise’s and the black one(Tyko) belongs to Esther.
But it doesn’t really matter I guess who they officially belong to because the important thing to note is that they are family. And I love them.
But today from 700 miles away I had to tell them to put Tyko down.
I put a price on his life. Nothing I’ve never had to do before. Nothing I’ve never had to explain to my children before.
And don’t think that that isn’t the first thing they asked me when I got off the plane – because they know. And it broke their heart. And mine. And I’m sitting here second guessing my decision because I’m not that kind of person.
I love animals. I love all animals(okay, maybe not snakes) and Tyko is a part of our family, and I’ve been sobbing for five hours since that phone call. But I could not spend thousands and thousands of dollars. I couldn’t.
And maybe it was easy for me making that decision. Not seeing my children’s faces as I broke the news. Not watching them say goodbye to their sweet kitty.
Their kitty.
It was so easy for me maybe.
But I sit here with my tears falling onto Truffle’s fur. Knowing he’s the one who has lost his brother, his best friend, his playmate, his companion, his napping partner.
And I can’t change what I decided. And I grieve for him.
But mainly for Tyko because I chose not to save him.
Eloise put it better than any of us could when she said “I never want to get another pet because this just hurts too much.”
That’s how much it hurts to open your heart to unconditional love.
We’ll miss you Tyko cat. Please know you were loved.
Hardest thing to do as a pet owner but god, just think of the memories you have of him! Sending so much love and hugs to you. So very sorry for your loss.*hug*
Thank you so much for your love today. xo
I am so, so very sorry for your family’s loss, Tracy
Losing a pet IS so hard—they see a side of us that often other human beings don’t see—they are definitely true family members. Thinking of you guys!!!!
Thank you so much Jen. xo
Oh I’m so, so, so very sorry, my friend. My love to you, your girls and Truffle. xo
Alison recently posted..Catching The Sunlight
Thank you, my love. Truffle has been walking around looking for his brother today. It’s breaking my heart twice over. xo
Oh no… so so sorry about your loss. And, so sorry you have to watch your children go through the hurt. Pets are worth it and they will learn a good lesson, but it still sucks. I’m positive you made the best choice so don’t feel guilty.
Rachelle recently posted..I Like January
Thank you Rachelle – oh it does suck so much right now. xo
I have only had to do this once and I hope to never have to do it again. I feel for you and am so sorry.
Kimberly Speranza (Sperk*) recently posted..All These Things That I’ve Done
Thank you Kimberly. We lost another cat just two years ago so we are still so numb from this. I thought these kitties would go off to college with my girls in 8 years.
Oh, I am so sorry to read this. I know how difficult those decisions are to make. I understand the choice you made. And the agony you are going through now. It would be hard to lose Truffle regardless of how or why. The burden you feel just adds to it. Sending you a big hug. And thinking about all of you as you grieve.
Thank you. I’ve been second guessing myself all day. It’s so hard. xo
Tracy, I’m so sorry. The loss of a pet is more painful than we expect it to be, isn’t it? Hugs to you and your girls.
Leigh Ann recently posted..A running playlist (for the music snobs)
I know. It hurts so much. Thank you for your love today. xo
oh, tracy! my childhood cat had to be put down the year vann and i got married because he had diabetes. it was too costly for my parents (he lived with them) to keep up with the care. you know i am a cat owner/lover and i totally get this. i’m so, so sorry you had to make this decision.
Thank you Amanda. These sweet little loves just capture our hearts. xo
Oh honey. I am so so sorry. I totally understand that feeling of loss and utter grief. We buried our Gracie only 4 months ago and it still hurts. What an awful day for you all. Hugs and kisses to you, the girls, and Truffle.
Leslie @ The Bearded Iris recently posted..Flirting with the flu
Thank you my dear friend. Love you. xoxo
We lost our beloved family dog a few days before Christmas and it devastated me. We were sitting in the room, making the decision to let or go or pay to try and find out what was wrong when she chose to leave on her own terms. It was so sudden and I still find myself looking for her in the floor near my bed or at the backdoor waiting to go out.
Pets become so much more than just pets. I’ll be praying for your family.
Natalie recently posted..The Man With a Dream
Oh Natalie – crying for you. I’m so sorry. xo
So sorry about Tyko. Poor Truffles is going to be lonely. Hugs to all. Do you know what was wrong with him?
Thank you Auntie Peggy. He ate a pretty large amount of tulle from a dress-up costume and the tulle got stuck in his intestines and colon. The surgery and hospital stay would’ve been $4000 with no guarantees as until they went in they wouldn’t know exactly how back it was tangled.
He was only two years old. I feel awful and have second guessed our decision all day. xo
So so sorry for your loss, Tracy. (and I have cat guilt too)
Ann recently posted..Leaves
Thank you, Ann. These damn sweet kitties. xo
Oh, Tracy, I know you dreaded this so much. I’m so sorry. Big hugs!
Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli) recently posted..Even when he hates me
Thank you Kristin. I was hoping it would not come to this. So devastated. xo
Oh, I’m so sorry, Tracy. I know how much it hurts.
Greta @gfunkified recently posted..Great Expectations: Robin of Farewell, Stranger
Thank you Greta. These dang sweet kitties. xo
I cannot even imagine. Much love to you and your family during this transition. Meow!
Tonya recently posted..Holding On To Hope
Thank you Tonya. xo
I am so very sorry. I’ve been there and it is so hard.
anna see recently posted..Out of the Mouths of Babes
I am so sorry.
So sad for your family tonight. Unfortunately I am with Eloise – losing a pet is so hard and that is one of the big reasons why we don’t have one. I don’t want to have to make decisions like you had to.
Sending support and wisdom your way for you and your girls.
Heather recently posted..Happy Birthday Golden Boy
Thank you Heather. I know – I always say I never want to get another pet…but the love of a pet is priceless. xo
Tracy, I am so so sorry. Much love to all of you.
Thank you hon. xo
My heart aches for you but I also know you did the right thing. Yes, it hurts, becasue we do care and love our wonderful pets. I hope tha happier memories can be some consolation for you.
Thank you – he was seriously such a sweet cat. xo
I’m so sorry, my friend.
B said the same thing when we lost his little hamster. It breaks your heart for theirs to be broken…
xoxo
Elaine recently posted..Nature and Ice Cream
Thank you, love. I know – watching my kids cry now for two days has been brutal. xo
Pets are family. I’m so sorry about your loss. I’ve been there and know how hard it is to make that decision. Sending you prayers!
Thank you so much. We really appreciate all of the love today. xo
I have not yet left a comment and so enjoy your writings and sharing your beautiful family with us so eloquently! You did the right thing for your family Tracy. I can imagine it doesn’t feel that way at this very tender moment, but you did! Your beloved Tyko was loved and had an amazing life with your beautiful family! My heart hurts for you and your girls. I hope as each day passes you will all heal from your loss a little more each day. Blessings and Hugs
Thank you so much Michelle for your very kind comment and love. xoxo
Loosing a pet really hurts especially if they are part of our family already.
Lynne recently posted..Psychology Life Coach – Putting the Psychology into Life Coaching
Thank you Lynne. The love of a pet is immeasurable. xo
Hugs to all of you. Remember the silly things, the fun times and all the cuddling. He had such a loving home. So sorry.
I am so sorry, Tracy. We said goodbye to our cat about a month ago, and it is so very difficult. We have had thoughts very similar to Eloise’s; it is so hard to say goodbye. Thinking of you and your family.
Oh Kim, I am so sorry for your loss. It’s so dang hard. xo
The devastation of losing a pet is tremendous and overwhelming. I’m so sorry for your loss and sadness.
My mom did all that she could to save their last dog, and she has told me that is something she would never do again (he was already 14 when he was diagnosed with cancer). Watching him as he gradually got worse, knowing that he couldn’t have been feeling good or had even a decent quality of life, wasn’t worth it.
I’ll be thinking of you as you guys weather the heart ache.
Oh hon – it’s so hard to know what to do. Of course I’m second guessing myself as we loved him so much. Love you. xo
My sisters and mother and I all got several pets between us about 15-17 years ago, so you know what that means now. We have had to make decisions like this every few months for the past couple years, unfortunately. My sister had to make the decision with her beloved dog Pete last week as well. Pete loved cats, so maybe he’ll befriend Tyko up in Heaven! Smiles to your family during this time!
Corey Moortgat recently posted..New Doors & Windows…
Oh Corey- Tyko loved dogs too so my heart feels a bit better knowing that maybe they will share a snuggle. Thank you. xo
Oh I am so sorry Tracy. I can’t imagine having to make the decision. I’ll be thinking of you guys. xo
Jessica recently posted..Contract Revision
Thank you dear friend – watching my girls cry for two days is beyond horrible right now. xo
Sending love. xoxo I’m so sorry for your loss.
angela recently posted..Sharp Objects – A Review
Many, many hugs. Sometimes the choices we must make are far to difficult. It’s okay. I’ve been there. I spent over 5k keeping my first kitty around–before kids, on two incomes. She was my first love, but all that money and intensive medical care still only prolonged her life two more years. We’ve lost three (fur) babies since then, and we just can’t go through that again… It was excruciating each time. I found once they were gone and the tears dried, peace settled in, even if every day we still miss them.
Kerry Ann @Vinobaby’s Voice recently posted..Review: The Comfort of Lies by Randy Susan Meyers
It’s truly so devastating. Thank you so much for your love and kindness. xo
I’m so sorry that you lost your dear pet, and that it had to come down to a decision like it did. I’ve been there. Love to you and your girls and sweet Truffle.
Shannon recently posted..Lessons Learned While Walking The Dog
Thank you so much Shannon. xo
Ohh…I’m so sorry. I’m allergic to cats and so have never had them…but I do have dogs. So now I’m crying for your family. It’s so hard. And sometimes I have to agree with Eloise. I’m sure that Tyko is in a better place without pain. Hugs for you all.
Jaime recently posted..Bittersweet
Thank you so much Jaime. xo
So, so sorry. It’s amazing how easy it can be to take our pats for granted – they’re just there, requiring care and attention, happy to greet us when we come through the door. And you care for them and about them but you may never think about what it would be like to lose them…until you’re faced with the prospect. I know that feeling very well. And my husband still hasn’t gotten over having his dog put down years ago as a result of epilepsy. In both our cases, it was for the best for the animal. But it hurts nonetheless. Hugs to you and the girls.
Mrs. Jen B recently posted..#HonorMyself Monday: Because We’re Worth It
Thank you Jen. It’s so hard. xo
Oh, it’s so sad. BUt it has to be.
Always, we have to do what is the smartest thing.
If only we could pay with heart dollars.
xo
Alexandra recently posted..What? You Don’t Google "Large Black Mole" at 3 a.m.?
Exactly. Love you. xo
having pets is such a catch-22, all that loving and grieving. I’m sorry for each of you, Tracy. xoxo
Heather recently posted..Just Write {69}
Thank you sweet friend. xo
There are no words to help you from this awful place … so instead a hug, and I am sorry …
Sisters from Another Mister recently posted..Inch by inch
I love your hug. Thank you. xo
I love you, Tracy. You are a good mom. Tyko was loved. He knew it. Your kids knew it. It’s okay. xoxoxo HUGS
erin marglin recently posted..Giveaway! Strong Like Butterfly: An Anthology
Thank you love. xo
So sorry for your loss!
Oh, I have been in this situation… My therapist at the time had me write a stinking letter to the cat i chose to put down. I don’t know how much it helped me process my decision… but it sure helped me have a crying fest, curled up on my couch writing furiously to me beloved kitty.
You made the decision you thought was best. *hug*
Jenni Chiu @ MommyNaniBooboo recently posted..Lipstick Days.
Oh your comment made me cry – but I think it’s helpful. When our other cat died two years ago I had the kids write him a letter. I do think it helps. xo
So very sorry Tracy for the loss of little Tyko & the decision you had to make. Praying for peace for all of you!
I is so incredibly sad to put a pet down. They are part of our family. I’m still sad about saying goodbye to my beloved dog last spring. But it was time. She was suffering. Your daughter’s comments feel so true. But we love our pets and it’s hard to imagine living without them.
Dara Dokas recently posted..Paying for Good Grades
We do love our pets and I love the joy that it brings to our home…even in the tough times. xo
I hope that Esther will eventually be able to open herself up to another pet, I really do. I’ve never been faced with this choice and although my husband is allergic to dogs and cats, I think this hurt Esther speaks of is part of why he says no (not as much as his eyes swelling and his throat scratching and him developing hives in places that Amazing Blue Star Ointment should never be placed, but still.)
Arnebya recently posted..What I Wouldn’t Give
I love you – and your ability to make me laugh though the tears. xoxo
Oh, Tracy. I so feel for you right now. We had to put down one of our three cats on Christmas Eve. I had never had to make that decision either, nor explain it to a child, or deal with two cats still at home (one of them his sister) looking at me wondering where he went. You HAVE TO KNOW that you made the right decision, and being the strong woman and mother that you are, you made it, no matter how painful it was. You gave him a wonderful home, special children to play with, and the permission to go to a better place. Sending a giant hug and love to all of you, it will get better my friend.
Thank you Heather. Your words help. So sorry about your kitty. This parenting stuff is hard. Love you – xoxoxo
I am so so very sorry Tracy. I cannot even imagine what you had to go through and what your family still is going through. Hugs to you and the girls.
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..How Content Brew saved my blog
Well that sucks. No way around it.
Hugs, my friend. xoxo
Cheryl @ Mommypants recently posted..44
Sucks times a million. Love you. xo
Sorry Tracey – I had to do that too with my cat Lucky years ago. It is very very hard and you will always remember them.
mommylisa recently posted..My favorite Christmas Videos – You’re Welcome!
I’m so, so sorry.
Galit Breen recently posted..This is Childhood: TWO
[...] so much when her house caught fire; like Varda Steinhardt, who lost her mother on January 17; Tracy Morrison, who had to say goodbye to her cat, Tyko; and Alexandra Rosas, whose nephew, Tommy, recently [...]
I’ve never had pets so I don’t know from personal experience what you’re going through, but your tender post helped me imagine your feelings. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. xo
Kristen @ Motherese recently posted..This is Two
Thank you so much Kristen. xo