Esther has always been my easiest child. Always.
She was the baby that just sat and smiled from the bouncy seat. She was the perfect baby. Truly. Eat. Sleep. Smile. Repeat. Best sleeper. Never cried. Never.
Everyone should be blessed with an Esther baby.
Her thighs were also quite edible. And plentiful.
She is my snugliest child. She never asks for anything.
She sings a lot. And dreams of princesses, unicorns and butterflies.
She is helpful and giving and truly just full of joy.
And I’ve never worried about Esther. Just give her a large bowl of fruit to eat, snuggles on your lap, pink twirly dresses and unlimited art supplies and you pretty much have all of her needs covered. There has never been any emotional landmines to tip-toe around, no tantrums or unusual wants, no questions of why she isn’t happy. Throw her into a room of strangers and close the door behind you, and Esther makes friends..and invites them all to dinner.
But we are having a tough year. I can tell Esther needs more. Needs something. There are tears that have never been there before and less talk about friends. Her pink dresses are making way for jeans and her teeth are falling out. She has emotions spilling out of her and she cries on a dime.
And she has no idea how to express what is going on as she’s never had to explain anything before. Because she has always been happy.
I know. I feel. I think it’s nothing big. I think being a first grader has just hit her hard. That she’s not a little, little girl anymore. Or won’t be for long and for her and her love of the magical and the silly…I think being a bigger girl just doesn’t look like as much fun.
And I think it’s hurting her.
I’m not sure how to let her know that she can still be silly and sweet and big.
But I know she will get there.
But damn my heart hurts right now watching this lovely girl in pain.
I’m just so thankful she still fits in my lap.
As I want to hold her as long as possible.
And help her find some new magical unicorns to believe in.