The Mommy Wars are moving full steam ahead this week after Anderson Cooper’s ridiculous perpetuation on air of the SAHM vs. the WOHM vs. the OMYHELLSAMIAMWHOGIVESASHITWHATYOURCHOOSETODO.
I seriously cannot believe people still talk about this. Or why moms continue to judge one another on how we each choose to raise our children. I read the comments on the Baby Rabies Facebook page and I feel sick. Why should she be attacked for something that she chooses for her own children?
Alison at Mama Wants This summarized it perfectly today ..”that motherhood is not a war between women…”
But then I got to thinking…sure I don’t judge your choice to breastfeed or bottle feed, nor your choice to co-sleep or to put your newborn in a crib, nor your choice to feed organic or to feed Doritos. No, I really do not care…
..what I do care about and when I put my MsJudgeyPants on is WHY oh WHY do you drink white wine instead of red?
Do you not know that red is best?
Or why do you part your hair in the middle instead of the side? Do you think you are Marcia Brady? Do you understand that some of us more round-faced girls can’t wear a middle part? Do you know how that hurts us?
Or those of you with your regular bikini wax appointments. Do you not know that men talk about this and my god the pressure we shavers or ‘natural the way God intended us to be’ have to now be baby-butt smooth? Can we not go back to the early 70′s in this camp?
Or you moms who don’t drink coffee. Really? Oh “blah blah blah I don’t need coffee to help me get through my day..” Oh I know you’ve got some other vice hiding behind your kitchen swinging doors. Don’t give me that. Drink some coffee!!! Or my god, you green tea drinkers. Puhlease.
Or you perfect wives who dote on your husbands. Come on now…I just want to know..do you give him the finger to his face or behind his back when he eats the last brownie from the pan?
Or you moms who actually throw away your kid’s half-eaten Mac-n-Cheese away. This is wasteful…it is our job as moms to finish the plate as quickly as possible while standing at the sink and hoping the kids don’t catch us.
Or those moms(me) who read People Magazine or Us Weekly or InStyle or PeopleStyleWatch instead of the books.. What are you(me) teaching your children?
Or you moms saving all that money at Walmart and their lower prices when don’t you know there’s a law that we shop at Target. Damn red bulls-eye and the brand recognition of children.
Or you moms driving your cool SUV’s like “oh I’m not going to be weak and buy that Minivan even though I know it would be so much more convenient..but I’ll be damned if I can be one of ‘those’ soccer moms…” Oh the SwaggerWagon set has you all figured out…
Or those moms who watch HGTV and talk obsessively about their home projects and yarn and craft-stuff and Martha Stewart and glitter and crap…when in reality you are envious of those(me) watching Dance Moms and Toddlers and Tiaras and do not own glitter.
Or those moms who don’t have to wear spanx or don’t admit they wear spanx. Do you not see me dying over here holding my breath to keep my tummy tucked in?
Now these are important judge-worthy subjects.
Now pass me that bottle of Pinot Noir so I can throw it at Anderson Cooper as I’m pretty sure he’s a white guy.
Well, dang, cuz I’m a white girl AND I drive an SUV because I won’t give in to a mini-van AND I did just learn how to knit. But more importantly, YOU DON’T OWN GLITTER?
You must have boys…
Oh I love you..and JUST traded my SUV for a minivan last month. Sob..I miss her. I have THREE girls and omyhell hate the glitter. xo
3 girls here and i loathe loathe loathe glitter. HATE it. Not as much as I hate McJudgies.
Thank you for bringing attention to this important issue.
Here is my take on it…I think I’m allergic to red, it makes mah face red and always gives me a hangover.
But everything else?
Right on sister (wife)!
See I thought you were just blushing because you were close to me..and here it was the wine all along. Le sigh.
I used to inhale red, but am awhite wine fonvert. I think my age was catching up to my liver … but you did forget one important aspect to wine – bottle vs. box. I don’t care either way, have no wine palate and like the melting pot that is school where you can’t tell who has been bottlefed vs breastfed, coslept vs in own room in crib, potty users at 2 vs. potty users at 3 or 4, once the wine is in my glass I cannot tell the source nor do I care.
Arg hit submit meant to proof first. I am a white wine convert not fonvert.
This cracked me up. Seriously. Thank you.
(and I totally prefer white. judge away!)
Oh you are welcome. Wine(white or red) for all!
Pinot Noir is my favorite too! Now I really love you!
and this is quite possibly my favorite post of yours!
See I’m like your perfect older sister.
I’ve always wanted to start a campaign “Mind Your Own Boobs” – think it would fly?!
I would totally wear a t-shirt that said that. LOVE!
Jamie, that is perfect!!
CAN I HUG YOU?!
I have to admit: for the past whoknowshowlong I have felt like I should just sit in the shadows. I, like you, don’t care so much about judging people for what they choose to do and why.
Do I have an opinion? Absolutely. Am I willing to share it? Sure. Do I think that certain things are better for me than others? Yes. But for ME, not necessarily everyone.
I’m not a mother, so I don’t yet suffer from the judgeyness of others in that area, but I think we all suffer from it to some degree in all other areas.
Let’s unite and stop tearing everyone else apart for what they do and why. We are all women who all deserve to be supported for the decisions that we make for OURSELVES.
A to the Men. Thank you!! And yes, I accept hugs. I love hugs. I judge people who don’t hug. xoxo
Tracy, I big puffy <3 you.
I hate hate hate saying "I'll have a glass / bottle / vat" of pinot and having to clarify "pinor noir" at restaurants.
I ended up on the receiving end of a breatfeeding nazi's tirade against formula while I was feeding my son at church. The look on her face when I explained that he was adopted was priceless, and it's what I always picture on the faces of those participants in the Mommy Wars battles.
Now I thought you were going to say that you started to breastfeed him right in church…;) I love you. xoxo
I’m totally a white girl. I drink it while dusting glitter off my clothes
Let’s still hang out. We’d have two bottles to throw at AC’s head that way.
That sounds like a perfect plan – now I command you to fly over and do glitter crafts with my kids. xo
I adore the both of you…and would drink wine and do glitter crafts with you any day…;)
I raise my glass of Pinot Gris and Pinot Noir to you! (I go both ways.)
Love,
Glitterfree MiniVan Mama
I knew you were a swinger like that.
I’m afraid to leave a comment as I am judge-worthy based on several of your categories up top!
But if I’m going to be judged, dammit let it be because I’m crafty and own an SUV!
I love crafty SUV driving mamas! (I’m actually jealous of the crafty ones..and I just traded in my SUV last month and miss her so…)No judging here…just humor. xoxo
I know! This is what makes this blog even better! Loved all of it. Loved every single word! These are much better things to argue about than “that other discussion”.
I think you are sooo right! And I love the humor you infused into the topic!
As someone who lives in the judgiest town on the East Coast…I’m with Jamie above and will totally support (no pun intended) her t-shirt… “MIND YOUR OWN BOOBS!” Too funny! Would love to flash that around town!
As for wine… I’m all for it… all of it.. but preferably red.. Merlot or Malbec baby.. in my badass minivan..hahahaha.
I know – wouldn’t that shirt be awesome to wear…while driving our minivans!
LOVE IT! I write all the time about the perfect moms and how we try to be like them. It’s crazy! But I love your humorous, yet true, take on all this, hilarious!
Bernice
3 reasons why moms are so tired
Thank you so much for your very kind comment. xo
OH girl, I’ve totally got your back on this one. Red is just so much better.
The coffee one totally cracked me up!
(and yes, in general, this whole “mommy wars” thing is SO 2008. ugh)
Crazy yes..I think of even women in the 50′s, 60′s and 70′s who chose to work and were judged so harshly. They also probably drank martinis. Smart women.
I love red wine, but will drink white. I swing both ways. Also, I may be the ONLY mom who doesn’t drive a SUV or minivan. I drive a regular old 4-door sedan. But I only have one kid, so we can all easily fit!
As for mommy wars. Give me a break! Who the heck cares! As long as you don’t beat your children or feed them those orange elephant peanuts candy (nasty), you’re probably doing A-OK.
Do they still make those orange elephant peanut candies? That is awesome!
I saw some at Speedy Market the other day and I was horrified!
I like white. Sorry. I just don’t like to drink anything warm. White you drink cold.
Stupidfuckingglitter. My sister in law gave my daughter this nail set thing for Christmas and it EXPLODED glitter all over my kitchen. I’m pretty sure it will never be all gone.
Know what I hate – when people put gitter or confetti in greeting cards and you open them and then POOF – Glitter mess! I mean..who does that?
Oh girl, I’m grabbin’ up a bottle of Pinot and will be right over…you are my kind of judgey!
Isn’t MommyPants one of those crazies that doesnt do coffee?
I think she is. Maybe we can just throw iced coffee at her?
LOL! Uh hum, I don’t drink coffee or wine…. beotch!
(Can I call you beotch in this war or is that unacceptable? If not, sorry) ; )
Well of course you can. It’s truly my favorite nickname…lol No coffee or wine? Do you accept hugs?
xo
Oh my hilarious! I love you and this!! You had me laughing at all of these. And I’m glad to see I’m not the only mom who hates glitter. HATES.
We really need an anti-glitter t-shirt.
The twos of you are so going to get hate mail for being anti-glitter! Denying your girls the opportunity to be craftastic and hone their glitter creating skills. You are horrible, horrible mothers and you do not love your children if you do not allow them to create with all the offered products of Michaels!
Wait. The Us Weekly that gets delivered to my mailbox every week is NOT educational for my toddler? Well, shoot. I guess I should stop letting her read it, then! But how in the world will she be able to keep up with what Suri and Knox and Zahara are wearing??
Wonderful post – very well said!!
I’m going with educational because when my People Style Watch arrives, my two year old grabs it and says “look at pwetty dwesses, mama” – no way could her vocabulary be that good without People.
When it comes to wine, I’m bi.
I’ll drink red or white depending on the mood I’m in.
Is that okay?
I think it’s kinky and super awesome that you go both ways.
I didn’t see the Anderson Cooper thing, but you can bet your red-drinking butt I’m going to go find it and watch it now!
Oh truly…you don’t even want to know….xo
OK, but if anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!
(Points if you can name that movie.)
Hello, Miles Raymond!
Oooh, what’d I win, what’d I win?
Ummm… a bottle of Pinot to be shared with your truly?
I loved Sideways and the three of us now need to meet-up for a wine date!
I am a non Merlot drinker and my husband about laughed his @ss of when that scene in the movie aired!
I am a former red wine drinker- sadly it now gives me headaches. How are you with beer drinking/station wagon moms?
It kind of depends on if it has faux wood panels on the side or if it’s a Volkswagon…
Hee! Love this, Tracy!
And for the record, I prefer white wine. So there.
xo
I have to forgive the playdoh and now the wine..my word.
Dear Sellabitmum,
I wish you were my neighbor.
Love, Vickie
Red wine drinking, coffee swilling, mac & cheese eating mama
So funny that we were just FBing about this today. I’m really glad that I’m far along enough into this motherhood thing to realize that how I parent is perfect for me and my kids, and how other people parent is none of my freaking business.
I do totally judge people who don’t drink coffee though. That’s just stupid.
You totally need to move here and make fun of non-coffee drinkers, Vickie. There’s a house for sale right across the street!
Hilarious!!!
Btw, I’m a white wine girl. Red gives me heartburn.
Thank you for the shares today. xoxo
Death to wine and whine from the mommy judgers! I’ll have my tequila (or vodka, you choose, I’m so not picky) and not be judged for it. But seriously, why do other mothers care so much what other mothers do/don’t do/say/eat/drink. I read blogs because I like to know about other mothers’ lives and get tips and ideas and to have a general sense of community. I don’t give two shits about choices on breast vs bottle (those ain’t my titties!) or crying it out vs going in every second (whatever works for YOU!) or handmade mashed pureed blended organic sweet potatoes vs Cheetos (each of mine at one had a chicken bone, so bite me!).
Thank you as usual, Tracy, for putting the funny on the ignit.
Cheetos – now I’m hungry. It’s so hard to type with orange fingers.
I adore you. That is all.
Aww, thank you.
1. I LOVE THIS.
2. I’m a reg girl all the way!
3. Crap! I forgot to book that waxing appointment.
4. If I didn’t eat my kids’ leftovers I wouldn’t eat!
5. There are moms who don’t drink coffee????
6. Don’t even get me started on non spanx-wearing moms!
Whew… I needed that! Thank you. Now where did I put the phone number for that waxing salon???
red – not reg (on Number 2)
Yes, there are moms who don’t drink coffee. I am one of them. Not because I don’t want to but because caffeine causes me migraines. Believe me, if I could drink coffee or some other caffeinated beverage I would!!!! Totally jealous of those who can and do drink coffee!
Oh I still love my non-coffee drinking friends. Migraines totally suck.
Waxing? What’s waxing? LOL I would have to drink a WHOLE lot of red to do that.
Love this post! Red vs. White is the real question here! And the correct way to go is red,
Now I love you even more!
But here’s my real question: what about malbec? Do you think that my pretentious BIL bringing a bottle of it to Christmas dinner means that trend is officially played?
Hate glitter. I thought having a boy meant we would be safe from it until my mom wrapped all our gifts with glittery bows. Cue glitter explosion.
Hmm..both of my examples are from the holidays. Apparently I have issues.
Laughing so hard. Evidently Malbec has officially jumped the shark.
PEOPLE THROW AWAY MAC & CHEESE??? I’m sorry, but I’m judging. There should be a law against that.
Right!?! Public flogging.
I know, right. It should be written in large print right on the box.
Awe.Some. Seriously, who doesn’t drink coffee? And it’s just plain irresponsible to throw away half eaten plates of food.
I know. Coffee and Mac-N-Cheese. Sometimes that is my whole lunch.
Chardonnay or zin (the red variety, pleauusssse…) I didn’t breastfeed, co-sleep, and I’ve never been waxed. Go ahead. Fling the judgements. I’m ready. (I’m only kidding, you know. Well, kind of.)
Oh, Anderson…
Thanks for a laugh, Tracy.
Oh thank goodness I’m not the only one who has never been waxed. (Don’t tell anyone our secret)
I DVR Anderson and deleted this one without even watcing it b/c I HATE this “war”. I like all of your topics much better!!
I know. Let’s talk about who the hell ate the last brownie!
I feel judged for being addicted to wine coolers in college. And for choosing to drink white zinfandel in the 90′s. AS IF no one else did. Ha! I saw you.
Now excuse me while I go to my fridge for a plastic cup full of white zinfandel from a box.
ah, white zin – the breakfast of champions! or how about “purple passion”?? did anyone else drink that????
I ‘may’ have also had an issue with Boonesfarm Strawberry Hill in high school.
Boones! Never drank it, but I knew of people who did. It was the stuff of legend.
ha! love it. this is awesome. i just read the comments over at baby rabies and i felt sick too.
it’s hard enough in the trenches! i’m thinking about all of this as i ignore the girls and flip through my us weekly, btw…
I received my latest InStyle on Tuesday and am not sure my kids have eaten for two days.
I drink white wine. But maybe I just haven’t been introduced to a good red. I love the way coffee smells, but hate how it tastes. I have an addiction to Diet Mt. Dew, though. Green tea takes like s**t. I don’t wax anything. Ever. I try to shave every once in a while though. And my face is far too round for a middle part.
Round-faced women unite!
Wait, you mean reading US Weekly is setting a bad example for my kids??
Does this mean I shouldn’t let them see me watch Toddlers & Tiaras or Dance Mom’s??
Crap
I know – it’s truly a slippery slope. Yesterday it’s just Us Weekly. Today Entertainment Tonight. Tomorrow you will see them on Maury.
Hysterical, Tracy. Love the bikini stuff. Really, really good. I like red, too.
Go Team RED!
This is too funny! I’m a red drinker myself though in the summer I do enjoy the occasional white.
Love this! I flip my husband off to his face if he even thinks about taking the last brownie from the pan.
Oh how dare he. We need to let them know that it is just wrong.
White with a red back, please.
Loving you!
Oh you are complicated in a tall and sexy way…
I am not a Mommy of any variety. Unless having a cat makes me a mom. In that case, I’m a mom and I so deserve some sort of award in the form of a big-a** glass of wine with bubbles.
I will take sprakling red, but really, all I want is a prosecco.
Go ahead, judge away.
PS – I heart you and your red wine drinking ways, Tracy. Even if you hate glitter.
Oh cat moms unite! Okay – full confession..I love me some cheap prosecco from Trader Joe’s. Don’t tell anyone. xo
Those middle hair-parter, non-coffee-drinker, bikini waxers really get on my nerves.
I despise those MHPNCFBWers!
We need to invent many more acronyms for people to screw-up. Brilliant.
Why you so angry?
You must have some hidden guilt issues. Are you feeling judged?
Hee hee.
Also, fuck the wine. I’m tired of pretending I like it so I can fit in with all you judgy mcjudgersons.
I prefer beer.
So there.
Yes. I am. Mostly by people who think that I should know the difference between it’s and its. Some people received a D in English while excelling at Calculus while partying their ass off all through school. Or so I’ve heard.
Beer – you rock the bad-ass mama.
Cheryl we still love you even though you prefer beer! Cheers!
I also despise acronym-screwer-uppers.
I am a total white wine drinking, non spanx wearing, sometimes middle parter. I like sweet stuff, muffin tops and dream about Marcia Brady, so there.
Oh you could BE Marcia. LOVE!
So can I print that graphic out onto a t-shirt? Pretty please WITH NO EFFING GLITTER ON TOP??
First, thank you for linking back to me.
Second, thank you for writing this. It’s like the funny counterpart to my post that only you and you alone could have written.
Third, OHMAHGAWD you are fucking funny. (Can I swear? Will I be judged??)
I never judge a swearer.
In fact just tonight Eloise asked me for homework help because she needed a synonym for “to yell” or “to complain” and I of course offered “to bitch” – to which she replied…”I think I could get in trouble for writing that on my 3rd grade homework.”
“To bitch” is the only answer, duh.
Okay, so I’ve had a glass of wine (chardonnay, if you MUST ask) and pondered this issue some more. Now, in these crummy economic times, is this really even an issue (directed to Anderson)? I know too many working moms who WISHED they could still SAH, and SAHMs who are dying for a job. The economy has blurred the edges, and far too many women are NOT spending time where they want to be, anyway. Who has time to judge?
Personally I don’t think it is an issue or a war at all…I just want the media to let it go and let us do what we need to do either by choice or circumstance..even if we choose to drink white wine.
What??? People still SAHMs and WAHMs are still fighting. This must be some sort of news media myth, please tell me yes!
I am sorry I am a total “white” girl (bad experience with red in college).
Though I do always wonde why people feel the need to give up caffeine (usually through a big Facebook announcement). Why? Isn’t caffeine natural?
Thank you for the much needed laugh.
Total.media.myth.
Bad experience with red wine? Usually it’s tequila. You are classy.
Thank you so much for the sweet comment. xo