Elf on the Shelf Poem

Oh yay – Thanksgiving is over and it’s time to bring out the Elf on the Shelf. Dammit.

 

Our Elf is on year four – or maybe five I believe. I get the concept and I thought it would be fun to do – but here’s the thing..

 

1. It’s a pain in the ass to play this game.

2. If I may, my kids don’t ever misbehave..because they are weird. I  know. So the elf is pretty much not required except as a game..so please refer back to #1

and 3. When we bought the Elf – it was a hard to find item at small gift shops and online….NOW it is at the Wal-Mart check-out lane. WTF? My kids are like – why are there Elves at Target! I thought Santa sent him.  And I’m like – those are FAKE ELVES TRYING TO STEAL CHRISTMAS WITH THE ZOMBIES!

 

Seriously how can we fool our kids into believing this Elf was sent by Santa to watch them if we put him first on the conveyor at Target. It’s like lying to your kids isn’t even sacred anymore! I believe the Elves should be kept behind the counter with the cigarettes, condoms and sudafed. Right?

 

Anyway, since I cannot even remember my children’s names there is no way I can remember to move and care for a plastic elf each season. Last year I lost it after FOUR days he sat in one spot and the total gig was up.

The Elf’s days are numbered. In the meantime I’ve resurrected the poem I wrote last year about our Elf on the Shelf.

 

Dear Santa I failed

I have to admit

I can’t care for another

Even one that just sits

 

 

I have set him on fire

I have dropped him on his head

But he keeps coming back

It seems each year from the dead

 

 

My girls wait for his coming

How he moves through the air

And each morning I say

“Ah f*ck” he’s still there

 

 

See all part of the game

Is finding him each day

In his brand new spot

To watch  my girls play

 

 

But because I am lazy and

I suck at this game

I forget to move him

Now my kids think he’s lame

 

So I move him when I can

When they all turn their backs

I am so magical that way

They think I am whacked

 

 

Or perhaps while

They were at school he did walk

And though Astrid did see me do it

I thank god she can’t talk

 

 

So dear Santa I say

I don’t care whose been good

The elf  needs to stop haunting

My quiet neighborhood

 

 

I have too much to do

This game is quite dumb

My kids are too smart

My brain old and numb

 

 

I know people are rich

From this stupid charade

You have nothing to do with it

The parents this elf has played

 

 

But please end the madness

Can we all kill our elves?

And take Christmas back

and rely on goodness ourselves

 

About Tracy


My name is Tracy Morrison and I live in sunny Minnesota. I'm neither British nor a nun - I'm just a Midwesterner with a headache. This is mainly a humor and lifestyle blog that documents the lighter side of parenting. I am an ex-corporate ladder climber turned freelance writer, social media manager, and fashion expert - and ruler of my own little universe(very small). Aren't we all. I would love for you to contact me at tracy@sellabitmum.com

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Comments

  1. says

    LOL…great poem. When I first heard of the Elf on the shelf, I realized it’s the exact same elf I have in my Christmas box that I inherited from my Mom, ‘cept mine is green. So I thought, great! I don’t need to buy one. I put it out, told my kids about it and my oldest son was terrified..and I mean TERRIFIED to enter a room, thinking that this freakish elf was lurking about. So ended the game…and almost required a whole lot of therapy!

  2. says

    Ohhh, I love your poem and I second your sentiments. Not so magical to see the lil elves for sale EVERYWHERE. And I’m not sure I’d prefer my son to behave for a sly spy instead of for his mother.

    Plus— I think the EOTS is a little creepy. And I suspect my son will think so, too, this year.

    Moms unite! Down with the elves! Let’s take back Christmas.
    :-)

    Great post!

  3. Steph says

    I thought the same thing, seeing it at Target checkout this past week. He (she?) kinda skeeves me out!

  4. says

    lol…i have never had an Elf on the shelf and the concept is great fun. however i often screw up the tooth fairy so thanks for the reminder that this might not be right for me.

  5. says

    I’m totally clueless about this Elf on the Shelf thing, but from the picture it is enough to scare the bejeezus out of me. lol. It’s the stuff that horror movies are made of… smiley face in the front, and then… eeeeek! the half burnt (?) back? hahaha

    Great poem, though!

  6. says

    I was going to buy one this year. Abbey reacts very well to behavior bribery around Christmas time. However, they’re everywhere, so I don’t know how to say he came from Santa just to watch them. Plus, by the time I get to “buy EOAS” on my to-do list, it’s going to be February.

  7. says

    He’s at the Target check out lane!?!?! That SERIOUSLY kills it! And really, once kids aren’t fooled, no more Elf on the Shelfs are going to be sold.

    The EotS people are dooming their business.

  8. says

    I had searched far and wide for a little elf when Charlie was small, and finally found the perfect one-he is not at all scary like this mass produced guy. At that time there was no elf marketing campaign. Charlie eagerly awaited his arrival each year, and couldn’t wait to see where he ended up. On the days I forgot to move him, he understood that the elf really liked that particular spot, and didn’t feel like going anywhere. It was a wonderful tool to cut down on whining, and making sure toys got put away.

    Now that he is older, he wistfully recalls the days of the elf. I am going to put it in the box of things to save for his own kids some year, maybe by then the mass produced one will be long gone and he can recreate the magic for himself.

    Loved your poem!

  9. says

    Oh my gosh, this is beyond hilarious. We have not started Elf on the Shelf, I am holding out until one of my kids hear about it and beg for it, I have very little time left, I’m sure.

  10. says

    That’s fantastic! I love poems like this. We’ve got an Elf for our little guy, but he’s a bit too young this year to notice it.

    And seriously, Walmart and Target? WTF. Put the elves away.

  11. says

    Oh my! That was a riot! I have never done Elf on the Shelf for mainly the same reason as your #2. The oldest may be sassy at times but they are basically good kids. I also can’t keep track of my keys and I use them a thousand times a day as a mom taxi. It would be like an Easter Egg hunt searching for that elf every day!

  12. says

    This whole Elf on a Shelf business is perhaps the ONLY reason I’m grateful my kids are too old to believe in this shit anymore.

    Most of the time, this truth saddens me.

    But.

    If I had to move that creepy elf around my house every year for a month I’d go insane.

    I’d rather drink egg nog. Without the bourbon.

  13. says

    Man – the elf on the shelf has always creeped me out a bit. ;-) Love the poem!! Perhaps you can tell the kids that Santa needs to “send” the elf somewhere where the children are in greater need of watching… do you think they’d believe you?

  14. grandma says

    I LOVE the poem and got such a laugh.
    Just convinced a grandma here to buy the darn kit. I don’t dare send her your poem.HA!

  15. says

    I am TOTALLY with you on the whole ‘Boxed Elf in Walmart’ crap. Lying to our kids is getting SO hard.

    This year, with Mr. Kiss being gone, our Elf is totally helping me out. It’s kinda like Santa sent us an angel, indeed. And? 6 yr old asked him, to the little creepy elf’s face, if he wanted to stay in one spot til Christmas. It was a good spot and he could see everything. Who am I to argue?

    Proud to say I’ve never burnt him. Whoa.

  16. says

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