You are a Mother When you Need to Count to Three Hundred..

It was one of those days. You know those days of being a mother.

 

And you think about all of the things that went wrong that day and all of the wrong things you said and did and handled certain situations and you just want to rewind and start again. Or fast forward and move onto next Tuesday.

 

And you are angry and disappointed and frustrated and confused.

 

You are a mother.

 

And then you take that deep breath of perspective as you sit here remembering that you are suppose to be thankful that you are allowed to have these bad days because you are alive and your kids are alive and you are healthy and you have food and shelter.

 

And then you say bullshit – I can bitch about my bad day. Even if it’s just to myself.

 

You are a mother.

And you start back at the beginning of the day and wonder where the bad started.

 

Was it the fight about the stupid sweater that SHE picked out and BEGGED me to buy and now two months later HATES and won’t wear and you decided to win this stupid fight and MAKE her wear the sweater she insisted on buying in August. You watch her with her arms folded all day.

 

Was it because you let them eat waffles with Nutella instead of a healthy breakfast.

 

Was it because you had to rush on Saturday morning to attend an event which turned into a gigantic clusterfu$%k that you had NO business taking a toddler to. You remind yourself why you don’t do things like that on a Saturday with the other one million people in your town. Because you hate it. Your kids hate. Your toddler hates it so much that after three hours of one of us in tears you carry your toddler upside down to the car because that is the only way you can even physically hold her because she is trying to wiggle so hard out of your arms with threats to bolt across the parking lot and if she is upside down her blood curdling screams cannot hurt your ears and you are still trying to steer two other kids safely to your car as you are being hunted down by parking spot hunter gatherers and you yell at all of them that when you get to your car you are blasting the radio for a moment with the windows up in your own damn personal space AND you are going to enjoy your latte that you did not spill on your way out of the museum and you intend on sitting in YOUR prime parking spot for at least 10 minutes because at this point you don’t feel it’s safe that you drive…so move along you parking spot hunter-people. Now. Do not look at me.

 

Was it because you gave up on even trying to enjoy the museum so you fed them museum food for $20 for three kids meals of crap and the chocolate milk you treated them to spilled all over the toddler and then OMG the world almost ends because of it and they all glare at you because you insisted on carrot sticks instead of chips and then you wonder why the hell you picked the nutrition battle to fight while everything else sucked so badly that truly ice cream for lunch would’ve been the only right answer at 10:30 in the morning.

 

You are a mother.

 

Was it because you were late arriving home and way past toddlers nap-time so you think she can muddle through but by two in the afternoon said toddler has been replaced with a werewolf/she-devil type being and in a fit of rage because OMhell stop the crying you put her over your shoulder and carry her to her bed and put her in and tell her to sleep because oh that is a restful way to put someone down to nap.

 

But she does for one hour. And during that hour you have tea and tell everyone else to read quietly and not talk to you.

But they cannot help themselves.

 

And they ask you the worst question EVER to ask your mother when your mother is beaten.

 

“Mom, can we do a craft” A mother-effing craft.

 

Do I look like Martha Stewart?

 

And instead of getting out the glitter and pipe cleaners and my effing bolts of fabric while I sing a sweet Carly Simon song and tie on my cute crisp apron…

 

I say “oh do I have a craft for you and it’s call FOLDING LAUNDRY! Immediately after UNLOADING THE DISHWASHER.”

 

Why don’t we see Martha doing that on her show?

 

When will we see June telling the Beaver that he needs to just leave her be for fifteen minutes because she needs a moment.

 

When will Caillou’s mom kick his whiny butt the curb and tell him to GROW-UP or get off TV.

 

Because it is totally okay – that even though we love these little beings with everything we are and everything we do – to sometimes let go of perspective and just admit that you are a mother and mother’s have some really shit days.

 

 

 

About Tracy


My name is Tracy Morrison and I live in sunny Minnesota. I'm neither British nor a nun - I'm just a Midwesterner with a headache. This is mainly a humor and lifestyle blog that documents the lighter side of parenting. I am an ex-corporate ladder climber turned freelance writer, social media manager, world traveler, and marathon runner. I would love for you to contact me at tracy@sellabitmum.com

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    • admin says

      Counting to 3 bazillion in the bathroom with the door locked and the shower running while tiny knocks on the door ring out in the background.

  1. says

    OMG! tracy. this is so many days out of the month for me! ella will be two next month and she is a royal pill. yesterday we had family pics taken and she screamed thru 3/4 of it. i hope we got at least one good shot of all of us! she was flailing around on the grass, didn’t want to be picked up, didn’t want to be put down. oh, i carry her over my shoulder quite a bit. i’m with you dear – shit days definitely happen here! :)

    • admin says

      Sunday was just ALL sorts of awesome too because I decided it was family picture day. OMG I’m an idiot.

  2. says

    I’m having a lot of these moments and days lately. The hardest part is that at the same time, my boys won’t let me kiss/hug/cuddle with them much anymore–which sucks for not being able to comfort them and especially myself.

    Great post.

  3. says

    Oh do I have these days.

    And my daughter, instead of asking for a craft, will say something like, “Sorry you’re in such a cranky mood today.”

    Nicely.

    Which makes me feel even more crappy.
    Yep. It happens to the best of mothers.

    Oh. And me, too.

  4. says

    YES, M’AM have I had days like that. Best part of the post – the part about “can we do a craft?” OMG – it’s like bat sonar or something. When we have time and I have patience to do a craft, NO ONE wants to. When I’m ready to pop a vein in my forehead, that’s craft day.

    Hope you have a better day.

  5. says

    I related so strongly that half way through I had to get up and walk away before I could finish reading it! Hope you had access to a vat of wine after that day!

  6. says

    All I have to point our here is that Ms.Martha’s daughter just wrote a scathing account of her wonderful childhood. I’m glad you’re not Martha. I do remember these days, but they are slowly vaporizing as my memory lacks Omega 3’s. It’s all sunshine and rainbows now : P she states with dripping sarcasm. I generally count to 500, so you’re doing very well.
    Dana

  7. says

    This was the day I had. Except the setting was Church, and four year old was not only picking his nose, he also ate before I could stop him, two year old kept screaming for Daddy who was too far away to help and seven year old threw the contents of the diaper bag so far that I never could find one of the pens and eleven year old kept insisting that SOMETHING was in her eye could I please find it and fifteen year old obliviously slept while I wrestled this whole mess.
    But I looked good. The shoes? Made the whole day.
    It’s all in the perspective, right?

    • admin says

      Oh friend – Thank you. I actually did have some rocking shoes on when this all went down.

      I love you for taking your littles to church. I’m not sure I could ever be so brave as I can barely make it out of Target alive.

  8. says

    It’s okay, you only have 50+ years to go. Unless of course you eat waffles and Nutella every morning.
    Enjoy your day!
    Your Friend, m.

    • admin says

      Love that you are raw, honest, like to shop and drink wine. It’s like we should marry. Truly. xoxo

  9. says

    Love your honesty.

    Some days just suck. On Saturday, I was so fed up, I left my husband and one of my kids at a festival and took the other two home. I sent Hubs a text telling him I was getting out of there before I lost my freaking mind.

    We all have shit days.

    Though I think every day would be better with nutella pancakes. I have a recipe I’m trying for nutella biscuits on Thursday morning.

  10. says

    Oh, man. I have this day often, and I only have 1 child! That’s when I IGNORE the dishes piling up in the sink and the overflowing laundry, order a pizza and do some messy crafts with Lotte. Or put on a movie and we eat popcorn for dinner. Sometimes you just have to say “Fuck it.”, and you know what? Everyone ends up happier snuggling on the couch eating popcorn anyway. :)

    Great post.

    • admin says

      So true – I have the hardest time just letting it all go and also find the worst days are the ones where it’s a ‘big plan’ and you realize the ‘big plan’ did not go down as planned and then you get angry. I am so guilty of this.

  11. Jessica says

    Oh those days are the worst and always the day when no one naps and everyone wants to bake or do a craft. You are hilarious and I’m now going to find some Nutella for my waffles.

  12. says

    I think moms who don’t admit this/act this way will eventually find themselves making a run for the border and/or heavily medicated. I appreciate you and your words and the fact that you think Caillou’s mom needs to kick his ass.

    XO – Ash

  13. says

    I actually told my daughter this weekend, “OMG I love you SO much, but if I have to listen to your sweet little voice for even one more minute I’m going to drive an ice pick through my ear.” Yeah. That was nice. I bet you can guess what happened. “Mom, what’s an ice pick?”

  14. says

    Some days just need to be fast forwarded. I know the upside down carry, though with Dylan the football hold/under the arm carry can be more effective ;)

    Sometimes even three hundred isn’t enough.

  15. Brandi says

    I am just a random reader from Southern California, but I must tell you, YOU ARE AWESOME! I love reading your blog and I don’t feel so alone in “my child is making me NUTSO” life!

    • admin says

      Hi Brandi – Thank you so much for the visit and sweet words and understand my crazy crazy day. xo

  16. says

    I have always despised Caillou and think he’s the whiniest, worst little kid on TV. When I’m babysitting my nephews, I change the channel, even though they tell me their mom only lets them watch PBS. I say Tough Turds, and switch to Nick Jr.

    Also, I agree about crafts. My daughter probably has craft-deprivation because I hate glitter, paper shreds, and stickiness.

    • admin says

      So really – who watches Caillou. Who are these people that keep the ratings high. I need to meet these people. Also, I wish I could hire a craft fairy.

  17. says

    I read this this morning and then thought about it all day before responding tonight. I hope writing it made you feel as good as it did for me reading it… we all have this. Sharing it and having other nod along to it… ah, just feels so good. Good enough to do it all over again tomorrow!

    • admin says

      It’s hard for me as I do want my blog – while being funny – to show the good times and fun times..but it’s important to show that true horrible reality sometimes that I do not live in the land of unicorns. Thank you for your very nice comment.

  18. says

    A-TO-THE-FREAKIN-MEN!

    I have more days like that then I care to. My boys have a 6th sense when I’m tired, or irritated or just flat out run down and they always, ALWAYS choose those particular days to push my buttons. Kids!

  19. says

    Doesn’t it just feel so.all.alone when you are the mom carrying your screaming kid upside down through a parking lot just praying for the safe haven of the car…I have been there (on more than one occasion), praying that we can just get everyone inside the car. What gets me are the times when the crazy freak-out happens directly following a really wonderful moment/outing/day…going from my heart swelling with love & joy to heart palpitations in a matter of minutes…how do they do that to me!??
    Thanks for writing this post reminding us that we really are not alone, that we ALL have those days…and they do suck!
    I am ever grateful for a fresh beginning every morning! Hope you had a good Monday!

  20. says

    Ugh . . . just one great big pile of ugh.

    I do love that your camera seems to always be available, even at those times when you want to strangle your kids more than you want to hug them.

    What is it with wriggling babies? And while I really try to keep my kids from watching violence on TV, if they had a very special episode of Caillou where they tarred & feathered him . . . well, we’d make that “must see TV” in the Batzer house.

    • admin says

      I think you just came up with a fabulous Halloween costume! What a special Caillou that would be.

  21. says

    First off – make sure Nutella is the family size jar.

    My 9 month old had one of those weeks ALL last week. To the point that day care called me to just give him a mommy fix because they just could not make him happy.

    This week – he’s happy, smiley and the best baby ever.

    Can they be diagnosed as bipolar this young? :)

    • admin says

      Day to day, week to week, minute to minute….it’s the unpredictability that gets us isn’t it? So tough.

  22. says

    Oh how I feel you and don’t miss those days although the tween/teen days are not faring much better. I thought I had done right by having them all 3 years apart. Nope just enough of a difference for each of them to be in their own space of growth that is too young for the older one and too old for the younger one to participate in.. accckkk

  23. says

    OK I don’t know about JUNE but I recently was very relieved to learn that Donna (Reed) is so fabulously awesome and together because all her kids are older and in school all day. It all makes sense now. To me, anyway.

    • admin says

      LOL – and we are so lucky that so many stores now sell hooker clothing for 8 year olds! GAH!

  24. says

    Sigh. Its hard to say I liked this because what am I saying, I like that you had a crappy day? That the kids didn’t behave? Taht you were at the end of your rope? No. I don’t like that that happened. I like the words you used to describe the stress you felt, that we all feel too often than we’d like.

    (Sorry you had a bad time Saturday, I hear it went well it was just crazy here)

    • admin says

      LOL – that is totally okay for you to say. I think they are very much like me and just cannot take the crowds. We love the Science Museum but will NEVER go on girls day again. That was just so.not.fun..I’ve never seen so many people. So awful.

  25. says

    Wouldn’t we have just LOVED it if June Cleaver just freakin’ lost it and began screaming at her family about how ungrateful they are, while her carefully applied makeup streams down her face and her hair is all ratty and jacked up? Then she grabs a bottle of wine from the fridge and tells the family, “I’m gonna go get drunk now. Don’t any of you come knocking on the door or I’ll go ape shit on your asses!”

    I’ve had several of the days you describe here. It’s enough to make you wanna run for the hills screaming.

    Thankfully, tomorrow’s another day!

  26. says

    Yes, yes, yes, and hell yes. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve gone to an event and then thought “What the hell were we thinking???” We rarely enjoy anything with the kids all being so young.

    And honestly? I don’t really enjoy doing crafts with my kids. Because it’s just me doing the craft while they toss around sticks and glitter and shit.

  27. says

    OMGOODNESS!! This is hilarious! I swear this is my life. ESPECIALLY the worst timed craft request! That is my son! LOL GREAT POST!
    AND, I also think Cailou is whiny. :)

  28. Louise says

    I swear that I have been to that very same event at a museum and just about lost my f-ing mind!

    I don’t know a single mother that can tolerate Caillou.

    Thank you for the giggles!

  29. Sara says

    OMG. This instantly took me back to the day I tried taking my 2 and 4 year olds to a city council meeting. It was a work necessity I be there, though not on paid time, and no baby-sitter available. How lovely of a time it was!
    Thank you for this, and you have to know there are so many of us out there who can relate. Hugs!

  30. says

    hell. yeah.

    thank you for so eloquently and hilariously writing the absolutely truth about those days. Awesome job and totally see why BlogHer Moms wanted to post this!!! Congrats!