Talk about entitlement. I could not make dinner last night for my kids! You know microwave popcorn.
I am trying to teach my six year old how to eat like a poor college student now to save her the shock of it in 12 years. Also, because I hadn’t grocery shopped all week. Next week we will try ramen noodles. The week after, beer.
I put the bag in the microwave and nearly strain myself as I push “popcorn” (think how we strained in 1983 to push a three and then zero and zero and THEN start. I know)
I stood there risking my life because of the microwave wavey things and watched the bag. Nothing happened. One minute in..nothing. Two minutes in..nothing. I gathered the family. We watched nothing happened until the time ran out and the microwaved BINGED and we stood there in silence looking at the flat bag.
“It didn’t pop”
“Why didn’t it pop?”
“Now how will we make dinner?”
“Can you make this on the stove like you did in 1976?”
“I don’t know – do they sell it in bulk like that anymore?”
We ate Wheat Thins and celery with hummus.
******
The kids asked for frozen mini-pancakes for breakfast. I put them on a plate in the microwave for 45 seconds. BING – still frozen pancakes.
Shit.
“There are no pancakes for breakfast. I can make real ones.”
“We don’t like those as much.”
Tweet to the universe “Hypothetically, how long should a really expensive over the range Jenn-Air microwave last?” Six years seems short when I’ve had microwaves from Target last forever.
*******
Lunch – the request – corn dogs and mac-n-cheese because who needs fresh food when we have convenience!!
Put dogs in microwave. Hit 60 seconds. BING. Frozen dogs. It’s like a bad party trick.
Shit.
Read box – it takes like 35 hours in the actual oven to heat up corn dogs. Kids are whining and hungry NOW. Also realize I have to make an actual box of mac-n-cheese instead of frozen wagon wheels.
Throw Wheat Thins, carrots, cheese sticks, an apple and hummus at children. Call lunch complete.
Jenn-Air tweets me back asked for microwave details. I love twitter.
******
Two p.m. – Afternoon coffee time. Pour coffee into my favorite cup and put in microwave. 50 seconds. BING. Cold coffee. Brilliant.
Shit.
I die a little.
Consider heating up coffee in sauce pan. Not sure that is possible. Also baby is napping so I cannot go buy coffee. Don’t want to throw out the morning coffee to make new coffee. Seems wasteful. I make an “how to get afternoon coffee NOW” list pros/cons.
I cry a little.
Take cup to neighbors. Use their microwave and offer them a sip of hot coffee.
I sob as coffee is heating. They worry. I ask if I can come over and make popcorn later.
Jenn-Air CALLS me. CALLS me. Yeah, tells me most microwaves should last 10 years. Bummer about mine. Oh, okay.
Take measurements of the inside of $$$$$ dead microwave to see if Target microwave from 1991 will fit inside.
******
Dinnertime! I need to defrost the chicken. Put into microwave on timed defrost. Five minute later – BING - frozen chicken.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Kids start whining. No other thawed food. Order Chinese food. Chinese food that we cannot heat up tomorrow.
*********
Decide to live like it’s 1979 and see how the actual oven works for me tomorrow. I’m also defrosting dinner in the refrigerator overnight. I’ve heard this old-fashioned technique works. I’ll let you know tomorrow after I churn the butter.
I will just call my microwave the biggest range hood/vent thingy ever made.
Giggle.
My father REFUSED to let us have a microwave in our house because he was certain the waves would kill us all.
Which is why I hug my microwave every morning. Also, it always works. Coincidence? I think not.
About the coffee…you know, if you weren’t an addict, this would not be a big deal…
xo
See I never hugged my microwave. Next time I will show more affection.
Hahaha! I needed this chuckle tonight!
I re-heat my coffee 567 each morning.
#Tooshay
I know – like how am I suppose to heat up my coffee? How many times can I really ask my neighbors if I can come in just to heat coffee – and make popcorn and maybe bacon?
I like your confession about your co-dependence on your microwave. I don’t feel so bad about overusing it now.
Hope you get a new one STAT.
Are you saying I have issues? Convenience counseling is in order? Oh maybe I should go into that business.
We do not have a microwave. There!
OMG do you want me to send you one just so I sleep better at night?
You just took me back to the 80′s when we got our first microwave and my mother made us stand in the other room while it was on so we wouldn’t get cancer. Ha ha!
I know right…we all did that. Funny that our parents BOUGHT and COOKED in the cancer causing cube – but we could not stand by it.
In the 80′s I bought my first microwave and actually TOOK classes to learn how to use it!! Now I couldn’t live without it….
Now why didn’t those classes work very well?
Oh my gosh, how are you going to make it, hope you get a microwave oven blog sponsorship from this post ASAP. Good luck. Will be waiting for your “building a camp fire to cook hot dogs” tweets today. xo
Oh see now that is brilliant! I’m building a camp fire in the middle of the city tonight. WEENIE ROAST!!!!
My dishwasher died this week, I have been hand washing and trying not to think about how gross I think he water is and how not sterile I think they are. I just replaced a clothes washer and a laptop! Not a cheap summer. Taking a 4 year old to the laundry mat in 100 degree temps (non air conditioned) reminded me of summers growing up in Indiana with out dishwashers, microwaves and having the washing machine broke all at the same time…. Thankful for 2011!
We didn’t have a dryer last year and I hung clothes for three months. After the initial shock it was actually enjoyable.
Which is why I keep a second microwave in the garage.
Oh you and your months of supplies and extra microwaves. You are brilliant. I’m also down to a 1/2 roll of toilet paper.
We lived without a microwave for 2 years because the hubs didn’t want to fork out over 100 euros for one! TWO YEARS! I don’t know how I did it! Let me know how that butter churning works out for you!
Burning churning is a real bitch. Last time I try that.
Oh for crying out loud! Let’s hope it doesn’t take as long for you get a new one as your washer/dryer episode…
And can I recommend Iced Coffee? Just throw a couple of cubes in your cup and you are set.
I have a hard time accepting iced coffee. I know – ISSUES!
Next you are going to have put salt cure all your meat since the fridge will probably follow suit.
Oh our fridge broke two weeks ago – same BRAND (hello Jenn-Air…) – wish I knew about salt-cure then!
What a tragedy! (I’m not being sarcastic, that really is a tragedy.) Whenever we lose power, the microwave is one of my biggest losses (second only to running water.)
See – toilet then microwave. Important inventions for sure.
OMG, I couldn’t live without the microwave, I think I died a little just reading this and hoping that I don’t get home to a microwave that decides to join yours.
plus,. the more I learn about you , the more I love you. You’re my kind of mom. You should teach classes! For Realz.
Yes – 3 meals a day – from freezer to plate in less than 60 seconds!!! Best seller for sure!
I love how you keep trying, even though you know it’s broken. Like a sad, sad puppy who doesn’t learn.
Our house didn’t have a built in microwave, and we lived without one for a pretty long time. With our kitchen, it would be more remodel work (and $$) than we would like to put one over the range. Then we finally got a counter one, and it broke after barely over a year. So again, we lived without for a ridiculously long time. You’d be surprised how quickly you get used to it. You have to like actually plan ahead and stuff instead of just throwing stuff in the microwave! But now we have one again, the cheapest one yet, sure to last the longest.
See it’s the planning ahead part…still working on that.
Truthfully, besides the laughing part (sorry. you are hilarious. it is a fact)I WAS thinking “It’s really not THAT big a deal…”
Then I had to reheat my coffee for the first time. Then my son wanted oatmeal (duh instant). Then I realized I had leftovers from last night I planned to reheat for an easy dinner for the kids tonight before book club.
And then. I remembered.
Three years ago when we remodeled our kitchen but didn’t move out of the house (because we’re stupid like that and it was too expensive) we set up a microwave in the garage on a table.
For THREE MONTHS I cooked all our meals in the garage in that damn microwave (from Target).
So clearly, when it’s all said and done, I don’t need anything BUT a microwave.
RIP little Jenn-air. My condolences, Tracy.
(and apologize to the popcorn for me…)
Poor, poor popcorn. It was so sad to watch it just lay there all flat.
See – toilet and microwave – two things no one should be without.
Sadly, I think 6 years is pretty typical for a microwave. When my mom was shopping for new appliances when she re-did the kitchen, the contractor recommended she spent the least amount possible to get whatever features she needed in a microwave (certain size, rotating thing inside, whatever) because they don’t last long, so there is no reason to buy an expensive one.
Well I wish I knew your contractor then because we spent beaucoup for nada. So sad and now mad at myself. We are going for the cheap seats this time.
I’m laughing at all of this, but that’s only because I did the same thing when this all happened to me – at first, it was “oh, the microwave doesn’t work, that sucks.” But, I was consistently surprised when I’d take cold/frozen food from the microwave every subsequent time I used it.
I want to know how a decent countertop microwave closts like $80, but a replacement over-the-range microwave is like $500. It makes no sense. Or maybe I’m just cheap.
I know – crazy expensive. Also, glad to know that you and I just never want to give up on these things. Like maybe tomorrow..in my dreams..it will work.
Funny! You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
)
I didn’t realize how dependent we are on our microwaves. I wonder how long I could do without. It should be a twitter experiment, we’ll all go as long as we can microwave less.
Twitter is amazing! Here’s hoping Jenn-Air sends you a new microwave in time for morning coffee tomorrow
HA – still waiting for the truck.
Good lord, life without a microwave? This right here is why my loving hubs KEEPS the 24 year old HUGE microwave we got as a wedding gift in the garage. You know, in case the new one breaks.
Oh you are smart. WOW – 24 years – does it have the faux wood panels?
I love your dependance on your microwave.
I also love your addiction to coffee.
I have both of these!
Go get a new microwave.. you must!
Yes – it will be our fun weekend shopping. WOOHOO!
You know the most funny thing about this post (amongst a whole lot of funny, I might add)? The fact that you KEPT USING A BROKEN MICROWAVE.
Did you think it was just going to magically start working again, or were you just in denial?
Also, can I come over during Beer Week?
We lived with a broken microwave for three years and then we had a kid..suddenly the need for a microwave became crystal clear (to warm up the cold coffee, naturally)
Hang in there friend. In the meantime hit up a Starbucks!
I still remember the first micro my parents got. God that thing was huge!
But what I can’t remember is how much stuff we used to HAVE to cook in the oven or on the stove.
This is a definite travesty, Tracy.
My neighbors don’t have one but they are old and have not kids at home. We just enjoyed some freshly popped microwave popcorn here at our house. I hope you get a new one STAT so the kids can eat!!!!!
Not that this will help since your micro is b.r.o.k.e.n…. but my grandpa bought me how to press 3 then 3 then 3 – cuz it’s not much more than 3 – 0 – 0 and you use less energy because you don’t have to move your finger from the 3 to the 0.
God rest your sole my thrifty gramps!
I totally feel your pain!
My washing maching went tits up this week. I have THREE BOYS…I NEED to have a washing machine! They just don’t make appliances like they used to!
Oh and as far as heating up your coffee…I’ve become a coffee chugger so that I am able to still drink it hot.
I hope you get a replacement soon!
I just hugged my microwave…just in case.