Talk about entitlement. I could not make dinner last night for my kids! You know microwave popcorn.
I am trying to teach my six year old how to eat like a poor college student now to save her the shock of it in 12 years. Also, because I hadn’t grocery shopped all week. Next week we will try ramen noodles. The week after, beer.
I put the bag in the microwave and nearly strain myself as I push “popcorn” (think how we strained in 1983 to push a three and then zero and zero and THEN start. I know)
I stood there risking my life because of the microwave wavey things and watched the bag. Nothing happened. One minute in..nothing. Two minutes in..nothing. I gathered the family. We watched nothing happened until the time ran out and the microwaved BINGED and we stood there in silence looking at the flat bag.
“It didn’t pop”
“Why didn’t it pop?”
“Now how will we make dinner?”
“Can you make this on the stove like you did in 1976?”
“I don’t know – do they sell it in bulk like that anymore?”
We ate Wheat Thins and celery with hummus.
The kids asked for frozen mini-pancakes for breakfast. I put them on a plate in the microwave for 45 seconds. BING – still frozen pancakes.
“There are no pancakes for breakfast. I can make real ones.”
“We don’t like those as much.”
Tweet to the universe “Hypothetically, how long should a really expensive over the range Jenn-Air microwave last?” Six years seems short when I’ve had microwaves from Target last forever.
Lunch – the request – corn dogs and mac-n-cheese because who needs fresh food when we have convenience!!
Put dogs in microwave. Hit 60 seconds. BING. Frozen dogs. It’s like a bad party trick.
Read box – it takes like 35 hours in the actual oven to heat up corn dogs. Kids are whining and hungry NOW. Also realize I have to make an actual box of mac-n-cheese instead of frozen wagon wheels.
Throw Wheat Thins, carrots, cheese sticks, an apple and hummus at children. Call lunch complete.
Jenn-Air tweets me back asked for microwave details. I love twitter.
Two p.m. – Afternoon coffee time. Pour coffee into my favorite cup and put in microwave. 50 seconds. BING. Cold coffee. Brilliant.
I die a little.
Consider heating up coffee in sauce pan. Not sure that is possible. Also baby is napping so I cannot go buy coffee. Don’t want to throw out the morning coffee to make new coffee. Seems wasteful. I make an “how to get afternoon coffee NOW” list pros/cons.
I cry a little.
Take cup to neighbors. Use their microwave and offer them a sip of hot coffee.
I sob as coffee is heating. They worry. I ask if I can come over and make popcorn later.
Jenn-Air CALLS me. CALLS me. Yeah, tells me most microwaves should last 10 years. Bummer about mine. Oh, okay.
Take measurements of the inside of $$$$$ dead microwave to see if Target microwave from 1991 will fit inside.
Dinnertime! I need to defrost the chicken. Put into microwave on timed defrost. Five minute later – BING - frozen chicken.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Kids start whining. No other thawed food. Order Chinese food. Chinese food that we cannot heat up tomorrow.
Decide to live like it’s 1979 and see how the actual oven works for me tomorrow. I’m also defrosting dinner in the refrigerator overnight. I’ve heard this old-fashioned technique works. I’ll let you know tomorrow after I churn the butter.
I will just call my microwave the biggest range hood/vent thingy ever made.