This is so much better than Socialized Medicine…

Astrid had her one year doctor’s appointment today.

No matter that she is 22 months old plus a week or so.  You know how that third kid never goes to the zoo or music class, they just go to Target and their siblings sporting events? Well, they also never go to the doctor because you are too busy and bored with the growth charts and the redundant questions.

Turns out she is HUGE for a one year old if they compare her current size with the one year growth chart – like 180% or something.  Gifted truly.

Thankfully in the past year plus since she has seen a doctor, she has been pretty healthy. We’ve also reached the point in our $10,000 deductible private insurance -hood that we only go to the doctor if we are truly dying..because EVERYTHING is out of pocket. So we analyze every fever or cough very thoroughly and sit on it for a few days and hope it goes away and keep saying “it’s nothing” before we have to swallow the $250 “holy hell you just stepped one foot into the doctor’s office” bill. You know – because this is America that is how great the system is.

So because I have eight and a half years of pediatric experiences under my belt, I made her appointment as early as possible – 8:15 – 2nd appointment of the day.  Because you know if your appointment is for 3pm – that really means 10pm the next day because it will FEEL LIKE YOU ARE WAITING 31 hours in that disease infested waiting room with your screaming and hungry child.  The whole time yelling DON’T TOUCH THAT as to not contract measles or cooties or god forbid lice.

But let’s back-up – I called TWO MONTHS ago to make this appointment with our regular doctor only to find out she is booking out THREE MONTHS.  Because again, our health care system is so amazingly awesome.   So they got me in “early” with another doctor.  Whatever – give me a warm body just so I know this child has been measured, weighed and immunized probably.

I arrive at 8:05 – EARLY! Hold Astrid in my arms the whole time while she wiggles and screams like crazy because she wants to play with the germ laden toys.  WHY DO THEY HAVE TOYS at the doctor – especially next to the LARGE posters with the words “URGENT – THERE HAVE BEEN SEVERAL CASES OF MEASLES REPORTED IN OUR OFFICE – USE CAUTION”.  Awesome.

So from 8:05 until 9:15 – I shit you not – for the second appointment of the day – I wait with little miss “let me at the toys so I can get measles” girl until we are finally let in to see the mystery – must really suck – as he is only booking out two months – doctor.

After the quick typical checks and nods of agreement that she is quite possibly the most perfect specimen ever made – he asks “do I have any questions or concerns” – and I say

YES – why does it take three months to get an appointment here? Do you think maybe you have too many patients? And why are you even letting patients in here if you have MEASLES? And why is it $250 for a 10 minute visit when I can weight my old child at home? and WHY are you running over an hour late first thing in the morning? WHY do you think it is okay to keep small children and their evidently medicated mothers waiting? This must be a safety concern for you.

And he replies – “I mean do you have any concerns about your child?”

And I am like – Well actually yes, but at this point I don’t even want to take your time asking them because I know there are five moms just like me queued out there right now and I need to hurry your ass along.

About Tracy

My name is Tracy Morrison and I live in sunny Minnesota. I'm neither British nor a nun - I'm just a Midwesterner with a headache. This is mainly a humor and lifestyle blog that documents the lighter side of parenting. I am an ex-corporate ladder climber turned freelance writer, social media manager, world traveler, and marathon runner. I would love for you to contact me at

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    • admin says

      I know. It’s like having that abusive boyfriend that you are afraid to leave because it is somehow comfortable.

      How’s that for a sucky analogy. lol

  1. says

    Hilarity! Pure.simple.good laughs! Truly though, I can relate to this on so many levels…the insane doctor bills because the insurance doesn’t pay diddly, missing check-ups for 3rd (and subsequent) children, just waiting for my kids to get sick 3-5 days after a well visit (thankfully our Dr office doesn’t have toys, but they do have books…porous, sticky, germ infused books!) And the WAITING, horrific! And you know that if I line up someone to watch the other kids & just have 1 with me, we get seen right away!
    I do agree with the previous poster though, booking 3 months in advance is a bit insane. Your regular Dr. must be awesome or giving away free meds!
    Hope Astrid doesn’t get the measles (that really is a strange word.)
    Melanie H. recently posted..Gateway to Summer!

      • says

        I totally agree, I was just telling Jeff that exact thing. But it seems that every office is jammed…I guess I would rather see a good doctor & book earlier, rather than seeing a “bad” one tomorrow? No simple solutions.
        Melanie H. recently posted..Gateway to Summer!

  2. says

    Where do I begin?
    To tell the story of how great a post this is?
    That gorgeous baby that is sweeter than can-dy.
    The funny truth about the peeds insanity.
    Where do I start?

    Okay I could go on but I won’t because it’s only an hour long show, hilarious and fabulous, as always…is it hard to be you? Always with the pressure for greatness?
    Yuliya recently posted..hump day nuggets- if I only had a brain

  3. says

    First, Astrid is gorgeous!

    Second, I hate taking my Monkey to the doctor’s – not because we have to wait because we hardly have to. But because he HATES it. Hates the place, the doctor, everything. Just getting him weighed, you’d think we were sending him to slaughter. I’m reluctant to go elsewhere as he’s been going there since he was small, it’s 10 minutes from my house and I like the doctor.

    Though he doesn’t. I hope it changes, he’s due for shots soon. Arghhh.

    Oh and I can’t believe I’ve missed 3 of your posts. I’m so behind. Gah.
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..VlogTalk – a Vacation to Remember

  4. says

    She is beautiful! We don’t have to book 3 months out, but I swear our doctor is ALWAYS running late! The one & only time we were late to our appointment was the only day he was actually on time and we had to reschedule.

  5. says

    This is hilarious and so true, I HATE taking the kids to the doctors and I always watch the other moms letting their kids touch everything in awe.
    Gorgeous picture of that perfect specimen of yours.
    Jessica recently posted..Why I Don’t Swear

  6. says

    I think I should probably become a Christian Scientist so I have an excuse just to avoid doctors all together. I used to go to a chiropractor who would keep me waiting, lying face down on their little table thing, the only patient in the entire freaking building, for an HOUR, while I imagined the staff were all upstairs playing Wii Fit and giggling over how my entire evening was ruined because I just wanted to have my back freaking cracked and get home to my freaking dinner.
    Elizabeth recently posted..How I learned to respect the journey

  7. says

    Ugh…I hate well vists. Well not as much as sick visits, but pretty close. Before we moved, we had this AWESOME pediatrician in Richmond. She was wonderful. I loved her…no seriously, LOVED her. She was the kindest, most reliable, most sensitive doctor (and person) I have ever met.

    Now we live outside of DC, and so far, I hate every pediatrician I’ve come across. Granted, I am comparing them to my saintly woman in Richmond, but STILL! They all suck and they all nickel and dime you and I have yet to get in with OUR doctor becuase she’s always booked. So I just see all of her crappy associates.

    Plus, I totally agree about the toy thing…most ridiculous idea ever!
    Jaime recently posted..According to Ainsley 6 – Little Mama Bear

  8. says

    I feel like I lived this post 3 months ago. We just changed pedi’s for that very reason. It is bad enough to keep an adult waiting that long, but a toddler. These doctors are crazy.
    I used to have an endocrinologist that would book appointments starting at 9:30 and he wouldn’t even get into the office sometimes until almost 10:30.
    What is funny is that we as patients get charged if we miss an appointment but doctors can come and go as they please. I think that every 15 mins a patient waits they should get $$ off their visit….
    (if only I ruled the world)
    Angie@MamaInsomnia recently posted..I drank the kool aid &amp some tequila slammers

    • admin says

      I know – there was a poor mom who arrived 15 minutes late and even though her dr. was running an hour late, told her she lost her appt time.

  9. says

    Damn, this made me grateful for my pediatrician. I lurves him so. Even if I was pissed at his administrative staff for failing to fax a note to my child’s daycare giving them permission to use a prescription salve on her butt for the RAGING DIAPER RASH from which she was already suffering. Oh, and when they finally did get around to faxing it – THE NEXT DAY – they called to let me know they were doing so, even though my instructions clearly stated for them to call the DAYCARE as a heads-up since the phone and fax lines are the same. And then they’re all, “Oh BTW, what’s the fax number?” Yup, also in my VERY EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS.

    But my doctor himself? Yeah, he’s awesome.
    Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..And if That Mockingbird Don’t Sing…

    • admin says

      That is when my inner doormat comes in and I feel so bad to make anyone else wait. ugh

  10. Andrea says

    First, let me say I usually love your posts, sarcasm and all and your children are gorg! And I TOTALLY agree with the waiting game and the germ issue in the doctor’s office, BUT if you think that the system we have is awful…just wait. I shudder to think about the care that will be denied when we implement the “new” system ( which I hope NEVER happens)!

  11. says

    Our healthcare system is abysmal. We were in the doctor’s office in February because my then 6 month old had a pretty bad cough that wouldn’t quit and some wheezing. They prescribed her a nebulizer after insisting that it was 100% covered by insurance. Turns out it wasn’t at all and we had to pay all $300 out of pocket. And her cough went away, on its own, because she had her nebulizer so we didn’t use it.

  12. says

    This is hysterical and so true! I love ” WHY DO THEY HAVE TOYS at the doctor – especially next to the LARGE posters with the words “URGENT – THERE HAVE BEEN SEVERAL CASES OF MEASLES REPORTED IN OUR OFFICE – USE CAUTION”. Awesome” -I’m always keeping the boys on my lap and I usually take a couple of accidental hits to the face as they are trying to free themselves to the petri dish toys.
    Elena recently posted..Mommy Knows Best

  13. says

    This is the comment where I tell you that my third child is WAY behind on her immunizations. Last time I tried to get her sort of caught up she had a fever while we were there. Ugh.

    Is it bad that I laughed at the Measles sign?? 😉
    Elaine recently posted..Missing Things

    • admin says

      Yes, the dr was like “you know she needs like 8 shot by now” and I’m like – “do what you need, you probably won’t see me for another year..” Do you remember how those first two kids went to their well visits on time? LOL

    • admin says

      Aw, thank you. You would think for the $10,000 in premiums I pay a year that I would at least get a lollipop.

  14. says

    I hate going to the pediatrician’s office so when my daughter contracted a nasty case of poison oak on her face (we’re talking elephant-girl ugly) we went to Urgent Care.

    We were seated for an hour between a lady with Bubonic Plague and a teenager with, I’m pretty sure, Spanish Influenza.

    Next time, Karly’s just going to have to scratch that rash off with her own ten fingernails.

    Because I’m out.
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me lukewarm

  15. says

    And why can they fine me $15 if I’m late, but the doctor can take his sweet time without even an apology?

    Next time I go in I’m deducting $1 per minute for late charges.
    jennie w. recently posted..Rules of Summer

  16. says

    That is totally crazy. I hate the wait at the doctor’s office. And I need to make my 3 year old’s 2 year well check. LOL

  17. says

    okay girl, if you can switch clinics I would-I have a physician’s assistant and I can usually get in to see her within a day or two, and she is never more than 5 minutes late, and is wonderful. that IS one of the perks of our health care system, having some choices!

    but I am so with you on the self insurance deal, just got our notice that our premium is going up to nearly $1000 a month for the 3 of us, with $3000 deductible per person….time to go clip some more coupons! If only I could find one for a doc appt. I am calling Groupon….
    maybaby recently posted..welcome June!

  18. says

    Hey you sound just like me with my third child. Sydney turned three in March. I just called to schedule her third well child check. She is going in August. With my first child I probably called two months before her third birthday. Poor THIRD child!!! Mom is tired now! Whatever, just get through another day with no blood or fever.

    Love Your Utah Friend,

    Tina recently posted..Daddy Daughter Date

  19. mary says

    Took my 5 yr old for her well visit in December. They had just moved offices and neither of us had been to the new one until that day. Went in, waited a century, then one of the nurses did the eye and hearing screenings, We went into a room ,waited another eternity, and saw the dr, Nurse#1 called in Nurse #2 for backup on the shots.
    So I need the updated state forms (dental, eye, ear, immunizations) to register for school. Call dentist- get a fax in less than 15 minutes. Call ped office; get told it will be a couple days before they can send it. Keep calling back – they tell me they have it- about to fax, etc. Well, it gets to be the day before paperwork is due. I get a call at school (I teach) saying that the screenings were never done at her 5 yr visit and that they have not time they can do them for the next 3 weeks. I call, talk to the receptionist, tell her I can describe the rooms , etc and have only been in there once. Finally after about 3 hours, the dr agrees to fax the form himself. The fax came in 5 minutes before I had to leave for the registration appointment. LOVE the dr; HATE the idiot staff.

    • admin says

      Oh my word – painful. I also am sorry you had to wait a whole century. Been there. Hugs.

  20. says

    Oh the baby in the picture is so cute. Anyways, it’s good that i have come across your article. I really think that a lot of moms can relate to this. I think that doctors should be aware of their responsibilities because they are considered as professionals.
    uno recently posted..Surviving a Clogged Ink Cartridge

  21. says

    I can so much relate to this. How I hate going to the Doctor, me with my husband and my 3 year old waiting for 48 years (or more).
    I don’t know why this Dortor’s assistant just never tell the truth…Why can’t they just tell it’s going to be an hour or 2 or 3 or 4 waiting time so you can just come back and do dome other things?
    elley recently posted..Diabetes Mellitus- What is it

  22. says

    I hate that you had this experience. We all see the same family practice doctor and we have excellent care, but I do know what it’s like to see a doctor whose office is not run well. There are at least a million reasons why this might be so but the bottom line is this: you are the parent and you have to do what’s best for your family, and waiting and hour plus for a well child visit isn’t working for you. I’d do some research, switch doctors, then send a letter to that office explaining why you did so.

  23. says

    Did you really say that? Because I would’ve high-five you!

    Measles wouldn’t bother me, but i feel bad for the kids whose parents thought they could rely on those of us who vaccinated to keep their kids safe. Not that I have an opinion on that or anything. 😉