I see you there in the carpool lane. So smug in your designer sunglasses. Or Target knock-offs.
I see you there applying your lipstick in your lighted visor mirrors. I see you pushing a button and watching your doors quietly slide open. And closed. And open. And closed. Because you can. You tease. Wench.
I see you with your dual control buckets seats. The automatic forward and backwards. The up and down. The hot. The cold. The perfect. The end of the fight over the A/C.
I see you with your 16 cup-holders. Your tray tables. Your under-foot storage. Your pet mesh. Your cooler. Your Thule on top for extra soccer balls. Your folding chairs.
I see you in the carpool lane in your gold, your silver, your blue, your deep red. Your seating for eight. Your DVD players and wireless headsets. Your music. Your eight plug-ins where those cigarette lighters used to go. I need a smoke.
I see you giving rides to friends. Taking the gang to McDonald’s for cones. I see your flexibility. Your status. Your suburban bliss. Your ability to reach your kids through the seats.
I see your comfort and space on trips. Room for pillows. Elbows.
I sit around the corner in my nine year old car. Too small to even hold my kids. Car seats smashed, shoulders rubbing, fighting. No room for friends. The eight year old illegally in the front seat so we can give someone a quick ride. No carpools, no soccer games.
100,000 miles, no DVD player, no headphones, no storage. Two cup-holders. The baby almost strapped to the roof so we can go to Costco. We put Grandma’s in the back to ride with the dog we cannot fit. No sudden stops. Or maybe one.
We travel Brady Bunch style down the city road telling the kids to duck if we see a cop. I don’t make eye contact with him. I keep to the speed limit.
No one asks me to carpool, to pick up their kids, for play-dates. Useless.
I don’t want your diamonds, your fancy manicures, your salon color, your Lululemon yoga pants over your tight ass, your Anthropologie dress, or your JCrew ruffle sweater. I don’t want your department store lipstick, your cleaning lady, or today’s non-fat latte.
I want your minivan. I want to be that soccer mom who takes the team home, who buys them ice cream. Whose kids invite people home and can make last minute plans. I want to drive that toaster down the road proudly. I want to sit in my garage with it – just opening and closing the doors while charging my phone, watching a movie, using my heated seats, and of course using all of the cupholders at once.
I also need some new red lipstick to apply in that lighted visor mirror.
*******
Written in response to The Red Dress Club writing prompt on jealousy. SEE writing – not just vlogging.
We’d like you to write about it. We’ll leave it open: you can write about something or someone you envy, or a time when your jealousy got you in trouble, or maybe how it makes you feel to be envious. Whatever you want.
Bwahaha! I love this! I love my little Mazda hatchback, but there are those days when I eyeball a super luxury minivan and think… what if…
Lizz recently posted..That Green Grass
HA! I know – what if? Sometimes I even have my color picked out.
so seething in your jealousy!! you write this emotion particularly convincingly! It was funny and really relatable. My car is tuh-rashed all. the. time with four kids.
Frelle recently posted..She Was My Hero
Yes, even my new minivan would probably be trashed.
LOL! I never want a mini van purely because I never want to feel like a soccer mom (assuming of course my kids actually PLAY soccer someday)
A luxury SUV…now THAT I would be jealous of
Carrie recently posted..Red Writing Hood-Table Talk- All She Ever Wanted
I NEVER wanted a minivan. I think it must be menopause or something that is causing this.
Tracy, I put off the mini van for as long as I could. You might get a kick out of this. I didn’t want a mini van because it is the typical Mormon mother mobile: kids screaming in the back, sticky finger prints on the windows, smashed chocolate and french fried treats all over the floor and who knows what under the seats. I had to give in when I had three kids all needing booster or car seats. So you see it is all about perception. My perception was way different than yours. Although I have to say now that I have the mini van, the DVD player has been an AWESOME addition. I have seat warmers, but don’t know how to use them. I drop my kids off at school without makeup and usually mismatched pajamas.
Love ya Tracy
Your Utah Friend,
Tina
Tina recently posted..Real Housewives of New Jersey
Learning just now that Mormon kids are not perfect has completely ruined my weekend. I love you in your sexy Mormon-mobile. xo
HaHaHa!! I felt exactly the same about my friends fan the first time I saw her open the sliding doors with a button on her keyring. Immediately turned green.
Stephanie recently posted..Wine- Egg Foo Yung and the mess explained
On a nowhere related note…I suppose I should really get on the gravatar thing huh? Half the blogs I comment on I am just a faceless white dude
Stephanie recently posted..Wine- Egg Foo Yung and the mess explained
I know – I think it’s the automatic doors that just get me every time.
I am stopped dead in my tracks every time I see someone use the power doors. I can hear the quiet latch as it closes completely…
Oh, and yes, go to gravatar.com or something like that to get a pretty picture. You look like a ghost.
Tee hee, you’re hilarious Tracy. Love this!
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..How @Twitter has RuinedMyLife
It’s funny you post this because I’m still so very anti-minivan! Maybe someday I’ll get it, but for now I’m living happily in denial with our SUV even if the doors aren’t controled by remotes and there isn’t any room for soccer balls.
Barbara recently posted..Bathroom renovation part 2
I have a minivan but I would not cause you jealousy. It is old as yours and smells of a horse and a dog, and a latte that got knocked out of one of the two cup holders few months ago. But I have some free sample red lipstick sending your way.
Great post, as always!
Stasha recently posted..The Mom that found me
emailing my address to you right now. Also, why do you have horses in your vehicle?
ROFLMAO – Been there done that! My sister’s Odyssey…which I’ll point out she didn’t even know existed until I told her it was my dream car. *bitch* Nope, nope, I’m over that. *not*
I loved the flow – stream of consciousness that carried from one moment to the other. I felt like the antipathy really built through it all and then settled back into reality with the lipstick.
NC Narrator recently posted..Side-By-Side
OMG Your sister took your Odyssey. I could never forgive her. Also, can I borrow it on Saturday?
Oh honey, so been there-done that!
I promise you though that “they” are all jealous of your mad style and vlogging skills!
And yes, it’s always the automatic doors, isn’t it?!
Xo
Maybe if I saved my clothing money up for a minivan…hhmmm.
You are so funny but seriously…
your kids have WAY better clothes than their kids.
Jessica recently posted..The Hot Seat
I know – but when they ride on the roof their clothes get so dirty and full of bugs.
I have serious new mini-van envy too! My old van with every food imaginable and unworkable windows is getting really old!
Amy recently posted..freedom
I always thought “Never! Never a mini-van!”
Then, my parents, the kids, and I went on a road trip. Instead of taking two cars (because we couldn’t all fit in mine), we rented a mini-van.
What a tease that was, with the automatic doors, the ability to deal with my kids by moving between seats, room for snack bags and coloring books. Now I want one. And “loaded mini-van” is definitely not in our budget for a while!
angela recently posted..Introducing My Inner Bookworm
See I could never rent one. I would be on the run from the law the rest of my life for stealing a rented minivan.
This post is superb. For real!
Oh you are so good at being snarky!
LOVE it! Though I’m an SUV mom.
Yes, I love me my SUV, but it is just not practical with 3 kids. It’s a cold, harsh reality. Maybe I should just get a dog sled.
I have a love-hate relationship with my Odyssey, I’m a SUV girl at heart–they are sooooo much cooler you know. But alas, after reading your post this morning, I have a new appreciation for her. Maybe I’ll give her a little kiss this morning and call to have her cracked windshield fixed today.
You go fondle her tires and slide her doors a few times for me this morning, mkay?
OMG… You referenced the ‘Toaster’… Do you remember my mom’s toaster… Too MUCH fun in that crazy thing… I, on the other hand, am with Carrie, ‘a luxury SUV’ and an unlimited gas card, and this momma is off & rolling…
XO,
Love your writing…
S
I will never forget the toaster. Nor the rabbit. Now, and unlimited gas card – will you adopt me?
Everyone has something they want I guess. This was a great piece of writing. I really feel your desire coming through. Can’t say I have ever had mini van envy but I can relate to some vehicle envy for sure.
Random Girl recently posted..Soft-Core Friday – Funny & Sexy Yes please!
Amen sister!!! My mini van is a 2001 with 144K miles…when I get in it I pray it will make it down the street..normally if I talk sweet to her she listens…sometimes she is a bitch. I don’t even have small kids..both my kids have their own cars…both of which are nicer than mine…So I ask when is it my turn…that’s not to much to ask is it?
You captured that “woman” in the carpool lane perfectly, even if she wasn’t in the SUV. When my kids were young and I’d see these woman, with their perfect nails and makeup, how they managed it. I always looked frazzled, even on a good day.
Great description and good take on the prompt:~)
Sara recently posted..The New Girl
the heated seats. i’d give a leg for heated seats.
MommaKiss recently posted..Mommas Momma
I know – I love a hot butt in the Wintertime. Not sweaty. Just hot.
Totally feel your pain! I miss my minivan it had to go. I have a 94 Buick that just fits us 5. Poor DS is squished in middle of back seat between DDs booster seats. If one of the 5 us happens to not be going one of the older 2 have been known to sit in the front next to me.
Paulette recently posted..Writers Workshop Chaos Central
I know, my eldest is wedged in the middle. Good thing she is the width of a toothpick.
So funny, Tracy!
The best bit was this: “I see you with your 16 cup-holders.”
Loved it!
Nichole recently posted..Always
They really have more don’t they? I knew it.
You just described my EXACT transportation life. Glad to know I don’t suffer alone but sad to know that you do to! HA!
Elaine recently posted..From Smocking to Swarovski
See, we were meant to be besties. I hope you move north soon.
This is fantastic! I want a mini-van too! I want to be the cool mom that brings an entire pack of friends home with my own kid for playdates, after soccer snacks, etc.
The whole time I thought you were jealous of her and it was her car the entire time. LOVE IT! LOVE IT! (and wish I had thought of it…)
I just want a little wagon that fits my very tall family…. but I totally get wanting the mini van. My SIL just got one now that they have three kids. I don’t know how they managed to use two cars to go anywhere for almost four weeks…
Think of it this way, no mini van means you CAN’T be forced to be responsible for other people’s kids. There are benefits to that.
There is that – but the strange thing is as kids get older THEY want their friends to ride with them – it’s like a weird cool factor. I always have to say no. Eloise is devastated most of the time.
Loved this – That’s awesome. I think you did a great job on your take of the prompt.
No, you don’t want a minivan. You want a large and in charge SUV to run her minivan off the road. Then you can steal her red lipstick.
Okay maybe a jacked-up Minivan that I can just bump her ever so slightly and mess up her lipstick application process?
Oh this post cracked me up! We took the minivan plunge (Toyota Sienna, brand new…first new vehicle of my LIFE) about 1 month before my son was born. Now 6 years later and I’m itching to ditch the minivan and it’s 25mpg gas mileage and I’m trolling the “for sale” ads for a compact car…perhaps even a hybrid….something in the 40-50mpg range. I don’t mind if I have to strap the kids to the roof.
Oh I loved this…I feel exactly the same way. I am very very envious lately of all minivan or 8 passenger cars. This was soooo good! Written with wanting and humor, compassion and callous all at once. Wow!!!
I loved it!
Kir recently posted..Conversations with my Kids
See, we both need a minivan.
I see your old minivan and raise you one 14-year-old Caravan with manual windows and no air conditioning.
Seriously, love the blog–very funny!
Oh hon. I am so sorry. So glad you visited today.
Hysterical! Target knock-offs. HA!
Also, there’s no way in hell I’d buy a minivan. We love our Suburban!
Okay, I would “settle” for a SUV with a third row also.
Confession: I am a minivan mom. Swore I’d never have one, but it really did change our lives. It’s still a mess and crammed with stuff, though.
You captured this perfectly. Could see it all in my mind. Even the lipstick and Target knockoffs…
erin margolin recently posted..The Hair is Just Not Fair
Oh I love a minivan mom. It is life changing for the best. I am sure you rock the swagger wagon!
Fan-freaking-tastic! I loved it. I want everything BUT the mini van. I can’t bring myself to do it… yet!
Cam – Bibs & Baubles recently posted..It’s A Date
Oh the lust will sneak up on you. Trust me.
This made me tear up a little bit. I really felt the jealousy and the disappointment. I never wanted to drive a minivan…I think because I had an evil step monster that drove one. Lol. But I know if I want to have any more children that it’s the car that will allow us to travel comfortably. Anyway, this was really well put. Great job! And I loved the part about needing a cigarette after explaining all the plug-ins. Funny!
Ashley recently posted..From Boeuf to Baby- Mamas Boy
I never thought I would want one until baby #3..and then my older kids hit elementary school where all of a sudden to need to haul more kids. Now I want a church bus. HA!
I thought it was an SUV too. And you almost had me convinced I need a big one. And then I smiled when I saw it was a minivan. You did a great job making me lust over one!
Mama Track recently posted..The Problem with Raisins
“Your eight plug-ins where those cigarette lighters used to go. I need a smoke.”
LOVED.
You are a new favorite of mine. Get used to it.
Ericka @ Creative Liar recently posted..Penelope
Oh I like you already.
Get an SUV instead. THAT will make her jealous!
Loved this line: “I also need some new red lipstick to apply in that lighted visor mirror.”
The Reason You Come recently posted..Ammunition
This was so clever. I don’t have a mini van either, but I want one just like that, I would park it in my garage and live in it! It would be my escape! HA!
Erin recently posted..In its simpliest terms
Yes, it sounds like the perfect place to hide.
You wanna trade me my ’96 Suburban? 267,00 clicks baby! We have to take it in tomorrow because the passenger side door won’t close anymore. Who needs sliding doors anyway? We lent it to a volleyball team a month back as their team vehicle. They thought it was kind of cool in a vintagey sort of way. Had to explain to the young coach he had to turn the driving lights on and off, as they weren’t automated. We decided a while back to drive it until it died. Guess what? It won’t : )
Dana
Oh Dana – you should do a commercial for Chevy! That is impressive. I assume it will now be oldest’s car and you can get a new one.
Ha! As someone from NYC who has a beat-up Volvo from the nineties (this is still considered a luxury amongst my friends because we are one of the few to have a car), I have never understood the disdain for mini-vans. Who wouldn’t want more space and a DVD player? Sounds lovely to me!
Ilana recently posted..Friday Recap- Mothers Day Edition
Oh I love a vintage Volvo. I know – doesn’t everyone secretly want a minivan?
I love it. It was perfection. SO strong with the envy that I could feel it boiling up in you. I hope you get yours sometime soon. As for us, we’re anti-minivan for now. We have a Jeep and a leased Saturn Outlook – which is semi-minivannish for when family is in town!
Andrea recently posted..Her Green Eyes
Funny! I love how you are jealous over “just” a minivan. But you have great points! Now maybe I need one.
BalancingMama (Julie) recently posted..Fashion Show
This was awesome! Just to reduce your envy a bit… I have a mini van with all those nifty gadgets and one by one they have stopped working! Only the cup holders still work, but most of them are full of melted crayon
.
Victoria KP recently posted..Wordless Wednesday- New Neighbors
I feel your pain – I drive a ’97 with just shy of 140,000 miles, but only tote one around. One day we’ll get our new rides too – I hope!
Monika recently posted..Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Settling into Our Home
I had the minivan life. Now I’m doing the SUV thing, but you know what? I’m jealous of you…no car payment…better mileage…you don’t have to take everyone in the carpool…gah! I want to be YOU!
Kimberly recently posted..Just Be Enough: Faith
“The baby almost strapped to the roof so we can go to Costco.” Cracking up again! My husband is getting jealous because I am sitting in my room giggling and he can’t participate. Now the parrot wants out of the cage and the dog needs to go out. Time is running out. Awesome post!
Rachel {Raw-kul} recently posted..Cotton Dress for Lunch
Thank you so much!
Well… I am not impressed by the status of the Hip new Hybid MiniVan… I don’t care.
Because, when the summer is hot… I have an ingournd pool in the back yard so na na ne boo boo.
And I have 36 colors at my disposal, but I have a hot eight I love. I am the Mary Kay Lady, and I can out makeup you if I want to…And anyway… who needs a mini van when I am trying to earn the coveted Pink Cadillac?
I’m not jealous, just driven.
I love this post and I agree, those people with the new cars and hip shades and super lipsticks… are annoying but then, so are we.
take care.
Carla K. recently posted..Ring, Ring, Beep-Beep-Beep, Clickety Clack
I have a mini van but I still can’t fit in anyone else!
Between the kids, the barfing beagle and their gear we’re packed! Happy SITS day!!
Kristi recently posted..Worship Link-Up 4/15
We gave up our minivan for a smaller car because of gas prices. It just ate too much!
krystle recently posted..Handmade Embellished Birthday Cards #Giveaway
I don’t have any of these: [ - diamonds, - fancy manicures,- salon color, - Lululemon yoga pants over your tight ass,- Anthropologie dress, or -JCrew ruffle sweater. - department store lipstick, your cleaning lady, or today’s non-fat latte.]
But I do have a minivan. About when my boys were 6-9 and they wanted to take a friend home from church or pick up a friend to go with us to the park….. and with bigger kid paraphernalia to haul… so we got a mini-van. I hated driving something that big, still do all these years later. but I put up with it so I my homeschooled kids can have a bit of a social life.
Kimberly recently posted..KIA[5]
I know – it’s not pretty but such a necessity! Thanks so much for stopping by today. xo