I will admit right now that I spoil Astrid. I will also say that I am not alone in this indulging venture. She has three other eager spoilers at her beck and call.
Sometimes I wonder though if her big sisters will see her getting away with things that they were never allowed to do.
Can I blame it on my age and my excessive tiredness as a mom, that I forgot what was a rule? Can I blame it on the fact that she is just so cute, who could say no?
Perhaps we spoil her just because she is here. As she wasn’t meant to be.
A miracle some might say.
She runs towards me at full force and I catch her up in a bear hug. She holds my face as she gives me a big, wet kiss and then wraps her arms around my neck, her legs around my belly and growls like a bear. Her force envelopes by body and my heart. I look into her deep blue eyes and stare in wonder at her very presence.
I will never forget that day in the Fall when the kind fertility doctor took my hands in his, looked straight into my eyes and said in a beautiful and honest way “Tracy, you have two beautiful and healthy children. I know that doesn’t replace your wanting for a third, but you need to think long and hard about pursuing this. After four losses in three years, countless tests and thousands of dollars and heartbreak…your options are few. You are 40 years old. Your eggs are old. You will continue to lose your babies. Your odds are so slim to have a baby on your own. Your options at this point are egg donation or adoption. I don’t want anymore heartbreak for you.”
I left his office sobbing yet relieved at the finality. I had my answer. I went home to my two amazing girls and felt free of trying, free of wondering, free of hoping and just content with what we had.
We were done. Jed made his appointment. The chapter was closed. We moved ahead as four.
Six weeks later I knew I was pregnant again. Sick, tired, but now my heart heavy to prepare myself to lose another baby. I shook my head in disbelief at the odds and made an appointment for an ultrasound to confirm the inevitable. Cold. Done. I had moved on. I was more than half empty.
And this little heartbeat lit up the screen. A week later she grew, and grew again five days after. For six weeks I had a weekly ultrasound and watched this miracle baby grow. Perfect. Healthy. Beautiful.
So I decided then and there that our little miracle deserves a fair amount of spoiling.
She made us five.