There was a discussion on twitter the other night. A mom was frustrated with her daughter’s complaints at the dinner table.
I immediately piped up, because I know everything about parenting, and added my two cents. “Complaining ends the meal.” Simple – she complains, the meal is over for her. DONE.
Can you tell I have a mealtime complainer in the house? To keep her identity anonymous, let’s just call her Sheloise.
Sheloise likes food from only one food group – the tan one. Bread, noodles, bagels, butter, peanut butter, apples without skin, chicken, applesauce, non-orange cheese, vanilla ice cream. You know this child.
Every meal with offending carrots or god forbid raspberries is met with a nasty face and mean, complaining words “I don’t like this” “What is this?” “You know I don’t like fruit.” “Mom, this looks gross.”
So I made a rule – a simple rule – you complain, your dinner is over. Three nights of no dinner for miss “I only like tan foods” and she does.not.say.a.word of disgruntlement anymore.
Now does she like the colored items on her plate..no. But at least I don’t have to hear about it.
Some people may say “oh, that is just a battle I choose to not fight” – you know like getting them to clean their room or wear matching socks or brush their teeth better. But I say WHAAAAAT? To me, this battle is one of the most important battles you need to fight and fight early.
Why do we need to deal with mealtime battles early?
1. Everyone eats. Everyday. This should be a place for conversation, enjoyment, and family. It’s a basic requirement, why shouldn’t we make mealtime manners an expectation. We do it everyday. Don’t you want it to be pleasant? Fun?
2. It would be nice to go out to a restaurant and eat in public. If you have battled the mealtime issues, this could be enjoyable. It would also be nice to frequent restaurants that serve more than tan foods or ones without golden arches.
3. You will probably go to other people’s homes for meals AND would love to be invited back again.
So these are our mealtime rules for everyone in our household:
1. I am not a short order cook. I make one meal for the family. You may not like what I have made, but you must take at least one bite of everything or you may still be sitting at the table on Thursday. You must try new things. (This includes you, Jed)
2. You may not complain. Complaints end your meal. This is very important to learn, especially when visiting another person’s home for dinner. Watching a hostess serve you beans while you say “I don’t like beans” makes me want to crawl under the table. You say “thank you” and then try one bean.
3. You stay seated at the table while we are eating. You ask to be excused to leave the table.
4. You will have good table manners. This could be a totally separate post, but I think we know what applies here.
5. You clear your own dishes. (and mine if you want desert)
6. If you choose not to eat much of your dinner, there is no other dinner later. I am sorry you are hungry. Next time, eat more. It was yummy.
7. Thank the cook for the meal. If it was me, I would like kisses. You can also lie and tell me it was the best meal of your life.
*******
So how about you. Do you have mealtime rules? Do you think I am related to Joan Crawford? I would love to hear your thoughts.
I am with you all the way on this one, its a battle worth fighting since my girls eat pretty much anything except for mushrooms!
Loved your comment just now on my post …. can you keep a secret … I’ve never owned a vibrator
My husband thinks I’m odd, lol
Mushrooms are not a favorite here either. I love them. Ahem – you said vibrator on my blog..naughty girl.
Come to think of it most of the food at the golden arches is mostly tan! Good for you. Great way to approach the dinner table.
I have exactly the same rules. Exactly.
Which led me to discover that Lilly is deathly allergic to eggs and bananas – you know, because I forced her to eat a bite.
Whoops.
Haven’t changed the rules though – I’m just better prepared now.
Oh yikes – well at least it’s a good way to find out?
This? Is perfect.
It’s also printed and on my fridge. True story.
We call the one bite a “No thank you bite.” Thank you ECFE.
And last? You don’t fool me. You’re not so scary. XO
I’m very scary. Very. Oy – ecfe. They give me the shakes.
No mercy here. My youngest son is bucking the family rule that has stood for decades (when your oldest kid is 20, you can actually say “decades.”)–vegies and salad first, then whatever else we have on our plate. My six-year-old reminds him. That right there is success.
So why mess with a good thing? My oldest loves healthy food. My second–in his first year of college–is subsisting on Swiss rolls. At least I tried.
Don’t give up.
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Oh I like this strategy of greens first. I may have to implement with Sheloise.
What are your thoughts on one year olds refusing to eat and throwing fits at the dinner table? Any advice?
I’ve been struggling with this with my 15 month old and as much as I’d like to get him to at least take a bite or just say dinner is over I’m having a hard time doing it.
That age is so hard. I currently have a 20 month floor diver. I get her out of her chair and announce the meal is over. She may throw herself on the floor and whine and cry – but it’s over. Mean as it is, I just cannot tolerate it.
It is impossible to force babes to eat something though. This I usually do not enforce until they are old enough to understand and feed themselves completely.
It is so hard isn’t it. Hugs mama.
We pretty much have all your rules, except #2. I guess my girls aren’t big complainers at the table, lol.
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Those were the rules you and I grew up with, they work! I have always been able to go anywhere and enjoy a meal, especially loving the idea of not having to cook! Guess the important rule when raising children is – no threats without follow through and be consistant. Interesting that children will fuss at home and not at someone elses home. Heather good to know about allergies to eggs and bananas while at home!
I agree with you 100 %, the dinner table is no place for negotiations. Or phone calls, Ipods, or texting. Just good food and conversation!
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Aw, good to know what else to deal with in the tween/teen years. We for sure never answer the phone during dinner.
We have mealtime issues, too, and while I wouldn’t call Shmaidan (name changed to protect the ridiculous) a tan-only eater, as he does eat almost every single fruit, he is ridiculously picky. You may remember a pizza bagel post from a few years back? Yeah, that’s him.
We currently do not have the no complaining rule, but I think I am going to add that one. I may just make a rule list to post at the table because lately, the drama has been increasing. Generally, if he chooses not to eat, he just goes to bed hungry, but he does whine about it and it ruins dinner for the rest of us. Also, I have been pushing him to take at least one bite of even the most detestable food items.
My other child, Shmatie, seems to be a fairly fantastic eater, even if it is only to spite her brother.
Yes, Shmaidan and Sheloise need to break bread together. I got all nasty on the rules not too long ago again as drama was increasing. The sassiness ensued. I lost my head.
This is SO awesome! So many people coddle their children, and don’t want to have that fight, but why not? Not only will it make it easier for you to go out to dinner, or to others for dinner, but it’s also a respect issue. You’re teaching her to be grateful for her dinner, because I’m sure when she goes to bed hungry, she’s missing having any sort of food in her belly, colored or not.
Maybe it’s an oldest child thing. My oldest brother was a huge complainer at dinner. At some point he declared himself a vegetarian and would freak out about meat at dinner (my Dad grew up on a dairy farm, we were eating meat at pretty much every dinner!). My mom started putting a loaf of bread and jar of peanut butter on the table with dinner, if you didn’t like dinner, make yourself a peanut butter sandwich, those were your choices, the rest of the kitchen was off limits. It settled him down most nights from what I remember.
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Unfortunately, I will never be accused of coddling my kids. LOL
I’m printing these out and posting them to my fridge! You know what drives me the MOST crazy? The getting up during dinner! OH. MY. GOSH!!!! Make me NUTS!!!
And I’m loving the clear-my-plate-too-if-you-want dessert concept. Implementing that STAT.
I’ve thought about duct taping butts before. I hate the jack-in-box crap. ARGH.
Wow! I am impressed that I am not the only parent who is strict about dinner time rules. I follow almost all of your rules minus the complainer, my kids are 9 and 14 so they got over complaining a really long time ago. My teenager and I have been struggling with the ipod, cell phone, tv issues but I think I might have finally nipped it in the bud, I don’t know…we shall see tonite, lol…
Nope, I think you’ve got it right. Dinner – and meals – are so important. My son is not necessarily picky, he just doesn’t have the time nor the interest in food (so not my child). So we read books at the table and chat and laugh and he eats pretty darn well. Which for me, is better than chasing a two-year old around and eating on the go. My rule: we’re gonna sit and eat. Period.
Good for you for holding your ground. Kids learn and adapt if we choose to make them.
ps – thanks for the RT!
Now another issue has also surfaced and I’m glad someone else mentioned it. THE CELL PHONE! When visiting or even at home PUT IT AWAY during meal time. Texting and answering the cell, just a little rude. Maybe we should collect them before meals. Please add this to the list.
Oh, I love this! My kids eat what I serve or they don’t eat. End of story.
And they aren’t picky b/c of it. They are EATERS.
This is the wrong crusade my wise and beautiful friend…kids? Forget the kids! I know ADULTS that need this tutorial of yours! TEACH THE ADULTS! GAH!
(Can you tell I have people in my life with deplorable table manners?)
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My husband had never tried a carrot until he met me. He didn’t have a salad until he was 20. I forced a carrot upon him and his words “wow, that wasn’t so bad.” ugh.
P.S. the word deplorable turns me on.
Thank god!! A parent with a frickin’ backbone. Hallelujah!
I commend and praise you for standing ground and expecting your girls to follow the rules and adhere to the set table manners. It certainly isn’t the norm, from what I see. I set very similar rules with my son when he was young and he’s got excellent table manners, knows what is expected of him and does it, no matter where he is. Thank you for being firm. Your girls will thank you some day too.
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Sounds like fantastic advice!
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..A Girl and A Cat Black- That Is
I have to admit that #5 and #7 were my favorites. We haven’t begun the table manner discussion yet, but these WILL for sure make the list!
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Yes, clearing your dishes and kissing the cook are key!
Ver nice to meet you. I am visiting from Shell’s blog.
Our rules
1. I will not nag you to eat. I will be too busy eating.
2. You don’t have to eat, but you will NOT be fed later.
3. If there is ranch dressing on your face you will be banned from eating ranch.
This approach has worked well for four of them. (The skinny one is testing me.) I tell parents this all the time, but it turns out they don’t want my advice. I don’t know why.
Oh you are funny. I love the ranch dressing rule! lol
Stopping by from SITS. I really like this post. My three year old is starting to give me a lot of trouble during mealtime. She’s a skinny kid, so I want her to eat. Thanks for the great idea.s
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Hey there, poppin’ on over from Shell’s blog. I really enjoyed your guest post and boy did you hit the nail on the head there comparing a morning before and after kids!!
I fully agree with all your meal time rules. I am a firm believer in the same thing you are! I also run a home daycare out of my home and the parents are always asking me how they eat so well for me here, but won’t eat a single thing healthy for them at home. I tell them my secrets but hey if they choose not to listen, I can only control them when they are with me!! Sounds like you are doing a great job with the girls!! Pleasure meeting you,
Theresa
So fun to meet you! I love this comment – yes, if the parents choose to listen, they too can be in control..lol
I have a puker at my table. He has actually thrown up after trying food that he “knows” he won’t like. I do ask him to at least try a baby bite of food. He’s gotten better this past year. Oh, he’s 7.
You are my dinner table hero. I love that you have your kids clear off your plate as well. I think I’m going to implement that. I went to a friend’s house with my boys the other week and as soon as the dinner was done the kids got up (twin girls 7, son 9, son 11) started cleaning the table off. I sat there stunned! I LOVED IT!
On a positive note, my kids all have wonderful table manners when they’re at other people’s homes!
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I should seriously print this out and post it on my fridge! 2 of my kids are complainers, 1 just chews on her food and then spits it out on her plate, and the other 1 will try everything at least once and wants the entire world to know and kiss his royal ass for being compliant.
Mealtimes in my house are pure chaos and I absolutely dread them.
I’ve been thinking I need Supernanny to come here and whip my ass into shape but clearly I need to fly you in and have you teach my kids a thing or two about respect and table manners!!!
Hi Helene – I think it just takes consistency. Truly and clear expectations. Hugs to you!!!!
These are great. A little hard to enforce with my two year old, but I definitely will do this when he is old enough to understand better. We have tried letting him have his fit and then eventually he will eat, but getting him to try new things is impossible.
WOULD LOVE SUGGESTIONS. I’ve tried the dip it in something tactic, and he just doesn’t do it. He wont’ eat chicken or meat.
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I am seriously not surprised that we have the same food rules. Now let’s talk about how we apply those rules when other kids come to eat at the house…
Holy crap – am I suppose to have other people’s children over at mealtime???
Your girls are so adorable in their coordinating dresses. I’m not quite a short order chef, but I do consider my daughter’s preferences when I’m making dinner. Probably one of the many ways I’m screwing up raising an only child!
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Oh I totally do too. I am not serving Lutefisk and Brussel sprouts. We have pasta’s and pancakes and “kid friendly” food – but I do like trying new things and if I do serve a kid friendly type meal – there will always be a veggie or fruit they must try for sure.
Love, love, LOVE this post & your rules! We have pretty much the same rules, but I am definitely going to implement the complaining=DONE rule ASAP…great post!
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I let them know that it hurt my feelings when they complained as I worked hard on their meal. Maybe I cried for effect once too.
Love this post on so many levels. And, as a childcare provider I’m seeing a trend of parents giving the child All the power/control/choices, which doesn’t do the child any good. Thank you for being the parent. Your girls will end up being more adventurous when it comes to trying new foods and better off altogether. Woot.
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Let’s hope it works someday. Sheloise still hates all color hued food..lol.
Tracy, definitely submit this one to Blogher. It’s a great parenting post.
Dana
we have the same rules and in general my kids are good eaters. They love the veggies! The one thing I will allow is PB as a sub for dinner. There are some things I don’t like (for example, lamb) and would not eat so I suppose that there will be things that they don’t like. If my two oldest don’t like what I made they can get up themselves and make a PB sandwich. Since they have been old enough to do it themselves they never have – they would rather just suffer through what i put in fron of them. My youngest I will stay make the PB alternate for and occassionaly she will take me up on it, but not very often!
I shutter! I agree with everything! however, I’m a total slack! I hate the food battle. My kids also only eat the “tan” food group. I’ve allowed way too much freedom, and I am paying the price.
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I am Joan Crawford in the kitchen too. I’d rather be doing something I enjoy rather than cooking for the ungrateful people that come to my table with squished up faces in disapproval. I also cook one meal.
Oh, and YUCK is on our family’s list of four letter words….totally not tolerated, VERY rude, IMO.