I will admit right now that most of my family thinks my kid food rules are pretty strict. I am going to go ahead and agree with them. At home, we don’t eat fast food(unless it’s March and Shamrock shakes are out at McDonalds or I sneak a Subway 6″ tuna when they are at school), they only drink milk or water, we don’t have desert after meals, I don’t buy or keep snacks in the house, and I try to cook homemade almost every night and I pack very boring lunches.
…but the keys words in the above sentence are “AT HOME.” We still go to restaurants, birthday parties, carnivals and grandma’s house and eat treats, drink juice and earn a sugar high worthy of an accomplished 6 year old on crack. There is a time and place for everything. We rock a good celebration and enjoy the occasional indulgences.
..and so it goes that if my kids are at your home for a party, a lunch, a night – stuff them with crap. As long as it is not illegal, you cannot smoke it and doesn’t turn them purple, I am pretty much okay with anything. My kids understand the difference between daily life and a treat. They are kids, not idiots. I have trained them well.
Turns out we also host parties are our home and serve…CAKE..and ice cream, and juice and maybe even a rare soda pop. I even have chocolate and other sinful confections to share. I know, my kids are so spoiled. And if your kids come to my house – they get to indulge too. Win/win. And hey, if your kid has allergies – I so get that and respect that and will cater to their needs. Always. But if you call me with “requests” that are not allergy related – I am going to think you are a loon.
1. Calling to ask if Esther’s cake will be frosted with white frosting or colored frosting and if the colored frosting will be made from natural food colors? Not that your daughter is allergic, per se, you just would rather she isn’t exposed to such things so could I make her cake natural while I kill the rest of the party with my pink frosting? My answer will be “are you kidding me?” (probably also said using the “f” word) and then “no.”
2. Calling to ask if I will be serving only organic milk or if I serve “regular” milk with excessive hormone levels and then lecturing me on the detriments of regular milk and how my girls will start their periods when they are 7 because of the milk I serve? My answer will be “are you kidding me? and then “no.”
3. Calling to ask if I am serving ice cream because you don’t let your child eat ice cream – not because of an allergy, but just as a general family rule, because you would like me to NOT serve ice cream so your child does not feel bad, I say “your child will likely cry at my party.”
4. Calling to ask if I am baking a gluten free cake for the birthday(I shit you not), and I ask if your child has a gluten allergy and you say no, but it can make her belly feel bad if she eats to much. So I say, my cake will not be gluten free because I like gluten and can you bring a gluten free cupcake for your child and you say no and I say “your child may vomit on the car ride home.”
5. Calling to ask if Esther prefers natural toys or if we play with plastic toys in our home, and I ask exactly what a natural toy is for a 6 year old – you mean like markers made from natural beet dye and homemade paper? Because we kind of really like crayola.
So you want to know how much wine I drank before that party? The stress I was under to not kill these children with red dye #54, crayola markers, Pillsbury flour and of course the $1.99 a gallon milk from the gas station. Did you parents also plant little cameras on your kids to see what we sang, danced, played, ate, and if I made the glue for the craft out of edible products or god forbid used elmers?
Seriously, it’s time we lighten the eff up a bit.