I need a new opening line. My small talk lately with many groups of friends, relatives, my UPS man, and strangers on the street has become uncomfortable. I could talk about Tiger Mom’s or the Golden Globes and how I am pretty unsure how I feel about Sandra Bullocks bangs, and how now I question my move to bangs and perhaps I have it all wrong. I could talk about the shooting in Arizona or our new governor in Minnesota, or even more importantly about the new trenta from Starbucks and how whacked out that is. I mean I love my coffee and drink a pot easily in a day..but not all at once in a big gulp cup. Do existing car cup holders even hold these? Or how low do I need to hold my arm to drink and will my biceps look awesome after drinking one? Perhaps.
And gosh I could even bore you with talk of baby poop, cat poop or the weather this year(read: lots of snow and it’s cold), the cost of petrol or the incredibly long hair on Kanani the American Girl doll of the year and what mother is going to go super psycho alien trying to keep that shit brushed this year. (read: full time job finally resulting in a massive hair cut and child tears).
But no, those topics do not interest me because evidently I am approaching that fine age of “over the hill” and all I seem to be gabbing about these days in gas, bloating, holiday weight gain and that “not so comfortable feeling.”
Why, yes, I am going there…with your 80 year grandmother thankyouverymuch.
And my small talk with these subjects is not to bitch and moan. Oh, I do plenty of that – it is to share my 2 week journey from the past few years with hellish stomach aches, I should really sleep alone, and cyclical bloating to OH MY FREAKING GOSH – I AM A NEW WOMAN.
I know – totally too much sharing on my part – but LISTEN UP PEOPLE..
Do you know what this over the hill feeling broad did (people in their 20′s are asking their mothers what broad is..go ask, I’ll wait…)
1. I am a big water drinker – like 100 ounces a day easily, always have been..but I added green tea, cranberry tea and lemon juice to my water and you would NOT believe the 5 lbs of water weight I lost in THREE DAYS. I felt like my body was coming back. My bloaty feeling – GONE. Gas begone..no kidding! I am a believer and cannot believe I have not felt icky in almost 2 weeks now.
2. Cut out carbs almost completely – except oatmeal in the mornings and some carbs from fruit. My little muffin top like SHRUNK in 7 days – I KID YOU NOT. My clothes love me right now.
3. Exercise. I have been a runner for almost 20 years – but with family, etc..my running went from daily to 3x per week. I increased it to 5x per week and what a difference I feel. I also added some muscle toning – 150 sit-ups. 50 push-ups 200 squats everyday. Within 5 days I felt and could see the difference.
4. I am eating an Activia yogurt everyday. Now, I didn’t totally believe the claims either – but OH MY HEAVENS – it is true. You would not believe how good my insides feel. See, I am totally old that I want to talk to you about my digestive regularity. IT IS AWESOME!!!! Let’s not talk about my baby’s poop and my cat’s poop – Let’s talk about MINE!
So here I am with 4 easy things I am doing for myself and 2 weeks later, I stand before you as a new woman. Over the Hill..over the smill. Work with me people..and don’t walk away when I want to talk with you about digestive health, mkay?