The day I died and came back to life…

My worst nightmare came true yesterday.

You all have irrational fears right?  Right?  I know I do and at this point I cannot even type into words what that fear is because I haven’t eaten now in 24 hours because I am so disgusted.  The pictures will never leave my mind. The horror.

I had to say the whacked out irrational fear word out loud to the vet on the phone and I screamed afterwards and started running around the house like a lunatic because I felt like I was being attacked.  The vet told me to lay down before I fainted. And then I think she giggled a bit at me.

I came downstairs at 4:30 AM as usual. Push coffee maker on, go pee, sit down at computer and check twitter.  Drink coffee, drink water, get on running clothes and leave the house.  Arrive home at 5:30 to hear baby screaming upstairs, pick-up baby, walk into family room and find cat puke on the carpet.  You know, 2″ from the hardwood floors. Asshole.

Put down baby, go get rubber gloves, paper towel, carpet cleaner, carpet refreshing spray and rags.  Get down on knees to clean up puke and a …

…I cannot say it, type it..

WORMS crawled out of the vomit.

I need a moment.

And for that word to move up and off the page.

Okay, I have to take a break – I will be back shortly…

I am back. I think I just died again…because that is exactly what happened when I saw IT. I died.  First I  jumped so high and far that I landed on the roof of my neighbors house, and then I screamed like I was being attacked by demons. And then the baby cried because she thought I was being attacked by demons and because I died evidently right in front of her and left her alone with the vomit and IT.

After I returned to life and the house, I did what any completely whacked out and messed up rational person would do, I threw the carpeting out of the window while screaming and then sprayed Lysol all over my house and scrubbed the floors and kicked the cat out FOREVER.  AND EVER. AMEN.  All of this while hyperventilating and listening to a screaming, ignored baby.  “Hey baby – did you not see there was a wo…THAT in our house??!!”  Not okay.

And THEN. and then. I looked over in my family room. The room we, you know, family in and there is ONE of THEM squirming around.

Okay, I just threw up typing that. I need another moment.

So I did what any completely messed up psychotic whack job now sobbing for her life sane person would do and sucked him up into my Dustbuster and then threw said machine out into the backyard.

We now have to move.  And get all new stuff.  Because what if there are more?

So I called the vet screaming and crying that my cat puked up THAT in my house and what do I need to do.  Do I need an exorcism? Can someone just come pick up my cat?  Are their fumigators for this?

Do you know what she asked me???? DID I SAVE IT??????

Holy shit – who in their right mind would save A WORM??? And now because if I did not SAVE IT, she wants me to follow him around and get a poop sample  or wait for him to puke again.  So I asked “wouldn’t it just be easier to get rid of the cat if he is possessed by these demons? ”  As there is no way in hell I am getting the  lunatic vet  a SAMPLE of anything that comes out of my cat.  Especially with THOSE in them. (and now all animal lovers are going to come down on me hard…) AND don’t you dare, and if you do feel so strongly to save my cat with THOSE inside of him, then you are welcome to come get a pretty little sample AND clean my house and buy me all new stuff in the meantime.

I need another moment…

So I am still having a panic attack, we need all new stuff, a new house, the cat is banished to some purgatory that I like to call “go roam and find a new home, our kitchen is closed” and I will never, ever eat again.

And, since those whack jobs vets actually want a sample of  THAT – that they actually LOOK at, then veterinarian is also coming off my list as a future career.

But then I remembered the worm sucking up tool Dustbuster in my backyard and was all like “Jed you need to bring that Dustbuster into the vet because there is a WORM in there they need to analyze!” And do not, and I repeat, do not bring that Dustbuster back.

And do you know what he did – he brought the entire Dustbuster to the place where the worm picking loonies vets work and gave it to them and told them there was a worm in there. I am totally not shitting you.  And you all thought that I was the crazy one.  My husband gave the vet a vacuum! LOONEY!  I guess he is also afraid of worms and I did not know this about him until he decided to deliver a vacuum to the vet vs. extracting the sample himself.  He made them pick through the cheerios and goldfish crackers.

So I come home to the vet on my answering machine(yes we still have a machine…we are very 1995 here..) “Um, this is Feist animal hospital calling about Donut’s worm. We analyzed the contents..snicker snicker giggle giggle snort snort… ” click.  The vet couldn’t stop laughing and hung up on my answering machine. Oh yes she did.  Bitch.  It is not funny. Worms are NOT funny.  So she tries again..”Um, I am so sorry about that first message, we have just never had a vacuum delivered before.  But we did analyze the contents and found that the worms are outside worms and not a parasite inside your cat you need to be concerned about.”

Not concerned, my cat is eating worms and puking them on my floor and I need not be concerned. What kind of vet do I have? A bunch of whack jobs. I need a new house here and nobody cares!

About Tracy

My name is Tracy Morrison and I live in sunny Minnesota. I'm neither British nor a nun - I'm just a Midwesterner with a headache. This is mainly a humor and lifestyle blog that documents the lighter side of parenting. I am an ex-corporate ladder climber turned freelance writer, social media manager, world traveler, and marathon runner. I would love for you to contact me at

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  1. Tina M says

    OMG Tracy! I am sooo sorry to laugh so hard at this post…but you have me rolling!

    THANK YOU!!! For making me laugh this morning when I really needed it…and for giving me yet ANOTHER reason why we do NOT have any pets!!! lol!

    I hope you can eat agaion soon. ;0)

  2. says

    Oh, Tracy, that is horrible. Yes, I would have gone ahead and taken the Dustbuster there, too. When we first got our little cat, Stella, she came from our YARD. And I am going to go ahead and say “got Stella” = my husband found her in OUR YARD and I think he may have some animal hoarding tendencies. Well, when we took her to the vet, they told us she had roundworms, gave her meds, and then TOLD US: “She might throw up the roundworms because of the medicine.” Okay, she never actually DID that, but my animal-loving almost came to and end when I heard that…..
    I feel your pain and I understand every single one of your irrational feelings.
    Amanda M. recently posted..The GW Desk

  3. says

    Still crying laughing from when you told me this over the phone, it is even funnier the second time through. Good thing you get to escape the house for a few days so you can relax, shall I cast the demons out of your home for you while you are gone? And perhaps find you a new dustbuster?
    kp recently posted..blogging break

  4. says

    Oh you poor dear girl!!!! I just died read that. I am just as psycho as you about gross things like that. We have lots of slugs this year (and it’s hard to type that) from all the rain and I’m this close to giving up gardening. I get sooo grossed out that I can’t eat either. I would feel like moving, too, you poor woman!
    Rachelle recently posted..The Good- the Bad- and the Ugly

  5. IrishJenn says

    Why, oh why do they always barf on the carpet? When the easy to clean up, hardwood/tile floor is RIGHT THERE?

    I am so sorry for your trauma. It will fade, eventually, and you will again be comfortable in your home. I say this to you as the owner of two large Labrador retrievers who eat EVERYTHING.

  6. says

    Tracy, just had to tell you, that nearly five hours later, I am chuckling every time I think of your cat story. It just makes me laugh! So, thank you so much for brightening my morning, turns out, I needed something to laugh at! Here’s hoping for no more of those nasty things (which shall remain nameless) in your house, and a good afternoon for me!!
    Again, thanks so much for the humor!
    Melissa recently posted..Oh No!!!

  7. says

    Ok your blog just got moved over to the DO NOT READ while eating section. You ruined my pizza for breakfast but you also made me laugh so hard the dogs thought I had gone crazy.

    As grossed out as I would have been at the W’s, the three days in a row that my lovely little doxies brought me mice in from outside was worse. One of the three times said “mouse” was alive!
    holly recently posted..Day 12 no compliments

  8. Janelle says

    This is just absolutely hilarious! I’m shivering/laughing at the same time. I react the same way when I find a centipede in my student house (that is screaming/running/sobbing). Your situation is MUCH more traumatizing, however.

    Thanks for the laugh! You’re great!

  9. admin says

    Next time we have w’s here, I am totally calling on a few of you to help me clean up – or have wine!

    Thank you for the fun comments and sisterhood of hating gross stuff.

    ..and Holly, sorry about your pizza…

  10. Sahnya says

    Where the heck is Hope when you need her?! Thanks for the laugh …. I feel a bit guilty laughing at something some traumatic!

  11. Rachel says

    I am crying right now! Crying! I am so sorry…but this is a worse scenerio….
    You find the barf, and the W word, and the baby is eating it. I’m sorry…I know you just barfed in your mouth a bit readying this, but thank god you found it before Astrid did!

    OMG the vaccum…I am seriously crying! I am sure you made the vet’s week too!

  12. Heather P says

    Oh Girl, you have me crying laughing with tears and everything!! That is hysterically funny story, not the incident but the reaction. Let’s all hope Donut has learned a lesson, that is if he has not already been adopted.

  13. says

    I think this could be your! Oh my! I am seriously rolling! At least your cat just eats worms…yesterday when I went to pick my oldest from school, our lab decided to climb onto a table in the garage, knock down the diaper pail (and today is garbage day, so it was full!), and feast on the contents!!! Needless to say, we come home from school & nearly die of the fumes when we raise the garage door (it is still over 90 degrees here & humid!) And being pregnant, I have the Super Sniffer already! So we went in the house a different way & I texted my husband to bring home his gas mask because he would need it when cleaning up all that crap! I did sprinkle some Oxiclean & powder detergent on the mess to neutralize it a bit…but my hubby wins the Gold Star because this morning there were no traces of a mess & absolutely NO lingering smell! He did say the gas mask was a necessity!
    Hope that Donut is, um, okay!

  14. Aunt Sue says

    thank goodness I didn’t have to look at a picture of them. Your description is quite enough:)

  15. TRACY says

    of course donut has worms. There is a MJ launch in the near future – someone/thing in your house has to have some bug crawling around.

    YUCK! I think its very funny that Jed took the vacuum in.

  16. admin says

    LOL – oh melanie I cannot imagine that smell. Aunt Sue – no pictures of those, ever. about the MJ curse…Molly, yeah – gross…Sahnya – where is hope we you need her…damn her. So glad I could make you all laugh today. I can now laugh too. And eat maybe tomorrow

  17. says

    OH MY GOSH!!!!! Ewwwwwwww!! I think this is why I don’t want animals in my house. I like animals…at the zoo or at other people’s houses. But at my own house, I’d rather have another baby than have an animal. If this happened to me, I would get rid of the cat. ew ew ew gross. I might have nightmares about this.
    Cameron recently posted..Market Mommies Featured Blogger!

  18. jill r says

    With tears from laughter rolling down my cheeks…can we have Donut? Sophia hearts him and he’d match her Buttons cat 😀

  19. says

    Yes, Cameron – I am not a big fan of pets. ..and this one drives me batty.

    Jill – next time you are up in the Cities…donut will be waiting for you. He would LOVE the farm. He deserves a farm. And a pasture.
    tracy recently posted..Astrid 13 months…

  20. says

    O.M.G. that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a loooong time.. Thanks for the laugh as I really needed it.. tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing, I think I will go read it again. LMAO!

  21. says

    I officially am moving to live right next door to you so that I can laugh like this every single day. When you asked if I had read about your cat, I had no idea. I pink puffy heart love you!